Can the love of money bankrupt a relationship?

Jet, July 19, 2004

It may take some time, but eventually in most romantic relationships, couples open up to each other.

They open their hearts to share intimate secrets, they open their schedules to spend quality time together, and they open their arms to offer love, sanctuary and encouragement.

But opening their wallet or purse to share their finances--what they own, what they make, what they've saved and what they owe--is another matter entirely.

When it comes to sharing money, even the discussion of it can be tense and confusing because money means different things [love, power, intimacy, freedom] to different people.

Can there be true romance without full disclosure of finances? Or can the love of money eventually bankrupt a relationship?

Love may be blind, but in the new millennium, it rarely will let itself go broke, according to Dr. Anthony Young, past president of the National Association of Black Psychologists. "While there is probably little debate regarding the necessity of adequate financial resources in order to purchase the basic needs of life, a preoccupation with the striving for money can in fact bankrupt a relationship," states Dr. Young.

He continues: "Some individuals can become so preoccupied with acquiring money that they will actually make money more important than their relationship. Questions such as, 'What have you done for me lately?' typically translate as, 'What have you bought me? How much money have you spent on me? Which of my bills have you paid for me? How much have you contributed to my financial well-being?'

"An overemphasis on money (materialism) can destroy marriages and marriage-like relationships as people are made to feel that their love and support are less valued than their financial contributions. People may come to feel they are loved only to the extent that they can meet the financial needs of someone else," says Young.

Most long-standing relationships--to reach the next level--will eventually enter a financial relationship that requires trust, patience and compromise, according to economist and syndicated columnist Dr. Julianne Malveaux.

"The fact is for African-Americans is that we have less. We earn less, we save less and we own less. So, it can be a wedge issue in a relationship, but there are also ways that people can use money and financial goals to come together," says Dr. Malveaux.

"The biggest challenge in relationships is for people to be transparent about money and to understand each other's spending, saving and investment style," says, Malveaux, co-author of Unfinished Business. "If I'm a saver and you're a spender, it's hard to bridge that gap unless what brings us together is no matter what our money styles are, we want to [send our child to college]. When a couple comes together around a goal, they start to look at ways to make their money grow.

"People say money is the root of all evil, but it's the love of money [that causes the trouble]," she points out. "I encourage people to look at money as a tool. It's not an end, it's a means to an end."

Malveaux adds that people need to develop an appreciation of money, because nobody really loves "dead presidents."

"Maybe there are people who get off by seeing a six-figure balance in their account, but it's really what money can get you.

"It's OK to want the better things in life, but you should want better for your children, better for your church, your community. Have a plan ... You don't want to take your child on vacation and not have enough money for school. There's nothing wrong with saying I want a luxury car, but there's something wrong with having a luxury car and no garage to park the car or no roof over your head. If you say you love your partner or family, why have you worked late every night this week?"

However, for some people, it's easier to go to work than to work on their relationships.

For some younger [and childless] power couples--urban or suburban--money and status are paramount in their lives. They live together, party together and sleep together. Still, they have separate bank accounts. Because they don't talk about money, they don't discuss major purchases with each other. Neither one of them knows what the other one earns for a living; nor the other's net worth. They're not in competition with the Jones'; they're in competition with each other.

"Measuring a person's worth by dollars can wreck havoc in a relationship," states sociologist Dr. Bette Dickerson. "Many of us say we want a loving, committed relationship, and that income and wealth disparities are unimportant; however, we often buy into a 'love of money' mentality and its accompanying high-status consumerism."

She continues: "What one drives and wears, where one lives, and other status markers that money can buy become very important. The ability to provide for yourself financially and get not only what you need but also what you want puts you in a position of power and dominance within your personal relationships. If you're not careful, a destructive materialistic attitude can develop with anger displacing the love."