Can Ex-Lovers Really Be Friends

Jet, July 9, 2001

At the end of a romantic relationship, is it really possible for lovers to become friends?

"It depends on the level of friendship that we've established in the relationship in the first place, as well as the emotional maturity that each person is bringing into the relationship," says Dr. Linda Anderson, a relationship expert with Sources Consulting Group Inc. in New York City.

In order for ex-lovers to really be friends, their initial interaction and maturity levels need to be taken into consideration, she explains.

Dr. George Edmond Smith, author of Walking Proud: Black Men Living Beyond The Stereotypes, also feels that former partners can remain friends following a breakup, but only if positive dialogue existed between the two individuals initially.

"Yes, ex-lovers can still be friends if, in fact, their love relationship was built on the principles of good communication," states Dr. Smith. "However, if the relationship was sustained by ego, image, and lies ... as time goes by, the resentment and emotional pain lingers, and if these feelings are not placed in proper perspective, then ex-lovers will always be hostile, distant and aloof toward each other."

Anything is possible, says Donna L. Franklin, author of What's Love Got To Do With It? Understanding and Healing The Rift Between Black Men and Women, but she asserts that the same problems that caused the downfall of the relationship in the first place can keep two people from having a platonic union.

Franklin says, "Whatever the issues were that could not be worked through in the romantic relationship will probably still be there to keep the former lovers from being friends."

She adds, "The problems are there, and they're going to still be there when you try to forge a friendship. If you're having issues with trust, that will come up later in the friendship as well."

More often than not, romantic relationships exist between a couple without there ever being a real friendship to begin with.

"If you dove into a relationship and tried to establish a friendship later, it's very unlikely that the relationship is going to continue," says Dr. Anderson. "That's because there hasn't been a development in other areas outside a romantic and or sexual interest."

Dr. Smith says that there are pitfalls in a relationship when physical attraction and sex replace honest communication and the pursuit of a fundamental friendship. "Romantic relationships that begin with sexual attraction usually fade, but friendships are long-lasting."

Oftentimes recently detached couples tend to think that because they have been friends in the past, they can rekindle that same relationship immediately afterwards. Our experts say that this is not always the case.

"There is no question that a cooling off period is needed to get clarity on what went wrong in the relationship," says Franklin. "You can't just `get over it.' Working it through is a process that takes a protracted period of time."

According to Dr. Anderson, people generally need time to heal and to reflect about the breakup.

"In some situations partners can reflect together when there is a very close bond. But usually there is a healthy separation phase that occurs in order to regain one's emotional and spiritual balance," explains Dr. Anderson. "This is part of the grieving process that generally happens."

A. L. Reynolds III, psychologist and author of Do Black Women Hate Black Men, says a clean break is critical in order for a true friendship to begin.

"If a friendship is to develop after both individuals decided to break up, they must disassociate themselves from the `we' and the `us' and reestablish the `me' and the `I' in order to get on with their life," states Reynolds. "After this has been accomplished, there may be elements of friendship that can be developed on a gradual basis. If there is no break, then one or both are in denial about the nature of the relationship and the back and forth continues."

Our experts concur that to predict how much separation time is enough should be determined individually because each relationship and its circumstance is different. For most the experience is for certain to be emotional and even painful.

If ex-lovers are truly meant to be friends, both persons will want what's best for the other. Even if what's best doesn't include them.

"The pain becomes bearable because of the friendship and being in tune with the reality of their love," Reynolds states. "The results are often a dichotomy: a sadness on one hand of what was but an acceptance on the other hand of what must be for the betterment of their friendship." He adds, "Few achieve the complete ideal state of this feeling; it is reached in varying degrees when the relationship was grounded in friendship initially."

As complicated as it may seem, Dr. Smith maintains that it is possible for ex-lovers to establish a true friendship.

"Respect and patience are paramount to rekindling a broken friendship," concludes Dr. Smith. "We can appreciate what others have taught us in our past relationships without dwelling on the negative, which brings a new appreciation and genuine caring for the person we've related to for so long. This is when a true friendship can happen."