Parental responsibilities: experts tell how to live up to

Jet, August 23, 2004

The job of being a mother or father to a child is the most important occupation you can ever have. Your duties as a parent require you to do more than just dress your kids in the latest fashions or toss a ball around to them from time to time. As a parent you are obligated not only to care for them but also to prepare them to be responsible adults.

JET asked some of the Black community's most recognized and respected psychologists, psychiatrists and authors what today's moms and dads need to do to live up to their parental responsibilities.

According to Dr. Alvin Poussaint, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston, the first order of business of parental responsibility falls on the mother.

"All mothers need to get good prenatal care," says Dr. Poussaint. "This is something the women should look into, even before becoming pregnant if possible, so that they have good nutrition. The best start for a child is to be born healthy."

Dr. Poussaint, co-author of the books Black Child Care and Raising Black Children believes that the role of a parent is to nurture and guide a child's development in a positive way. He also says that the parent must support education starting at a very early age as well as discipline children appropriately in a way that educates them for self-control.

The most common mistakes many parents make, says Dr. Poussaint, is how they discipline their children.

"We're too quick to use corporal punishment or hitting as a form of discipline," he says. "Sometimes children get angry or fearful of parents who bit them too much. It's best to try other methods of discipline such as withdrawing of privileges and explaining to them whatever it is they have done wrong than to start hitting a child."

Dr. Poussaint says that the physical violence used by parents tends to make children angry, rebellious and anti-social. By the time these children reach adolescence, they are completely withdrawn or begin to fight with their parents or take the anger out on other people.

"Parents have to teach their children not to be angry, and teach them the social skills required to resolve problems and conflicts without resorting to violence."

Taking on the duties that come with being a parent can be tough, but it can be even tougher if you're tackling those things alone. Dr. Poussaint suggests that single parents enlist friends as well as relatives to assist in keeping the child safe and protected, supporting their growth and investing in their education.

To further aid in the child's development, Dr. Poussaint says that it is important for single moms to allow the dads to be active participants in the child's life.

"Father involvement has been shown to be very, very important," he explains. "Whether the parents are divorced or whether it's a single mother, the father's involvement should be encouraged at all times because results show that when fathers are involved children tend to do better in life."

The obligations of child rearing can be demanding, but don't be intimidated. Instead, challenge yourself to learn more.

"A lot of parents should not take for granted that they know how to be good parents. Many should avail themselves of parent education courses," says Dr. Poussaint. "Many parents fly by the seat of their pants often doing the wrong things that they think are the right things. They should go to these classes and learn about child development and about how to be better parents."

Judge Glenda Hatchett, star of the courtroom TV show "Judge Hatchett," is a witness to what can happen to a child who has no proper parental guidance. She believes that a parent's No. 1 responsibility is to establish a religious belief in a child.

"We need to instill in our children a strong spiritual direction," she says. "Regardless of your faith, realize that there is something bigger than you.

It's important to be rooted spiritually because when things get rough, that's what anchors the children and reinforces them."

The judge and author of Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say! believes that a major mistake that many parents make is placing too much importance on wanting to be their child's friend.

"Your role on this Earth is to be your child's parent and not their friend. I think that too many parents forget that," she says. "Sometimes the lines get too blurred in the relationship and the kids get mixed signals, and that's not healthy."

Judge Hatchett believes that part of the reason so many families end up in her courtroom is that parents, poor as well as wealthy, are not devoting quality time to their children.

"There is no substitute for time," says Judge Hatchett.

"It's not acceptable that you substitute television or drop your kids off at the mall because you don't want to take on your parental responsibility.

"Parenting is 24/7 and we have to really be fully present for our children." Psychologist Dr. Darlene Powell-Garlington agrees with Judge Hatchett on the importance of making time for your child.