Is it okay for a woman to go after a man?

Jet, August 25, 2003

Men do it all the time. If they see a woman they would like to get to know better, they most often approach that woman. They go after her.

Women, on the other hand, aren't often "expected" to go after men. At least that is what society seems to imply. If a woman does go after a man, she might not be considered acting "appropriately." So what should she do if she sees someone she would like to meet? Is it okay for a woman to go after a man?

"No, there's no challenge. How do you know if he really wants you?" says the Rev. Patricia S. Webster, senior pastor of Shiloh Pentecostal Church, Inc., known as the "Christian Love Center," in Somerville, NJ. She says that a woman should make herself "visible" to a man, but not go after him. When a woman pursues a man, it's out of order.

"In the Bible, Abraham sent his servant to find Isaac a wife. The woman came out," explains Rev. Webster. "She never knew he was coming. God placed her strategically in the right place for the man to see her. From a scriptural base, a man should lead. It sets a precedent."

She continues, "In the story of Ruth, she went into the field and saw Boaz. She was visible, but she never pursued him. She made herself visible so that he would pursue her."

Rev. Webster recently began a relationship series, S.I.D. (Saying I Do) Ministries, where she uses God's direction and biblical principles to define, nurture and enhance relationships, whether a person is married single or dating.

She's noticed that many women are so driven to go after men because they haven't realized that they really want marriage more than the man they are after. "They pursue marriage and not look at the qualities of the man. They don't look at what he really has to offer. If they want to get married and he seems good and appears to be good, that's what they want."

Adds Rev. Webster, "As a Christian woman, the pursuit should be for God. In their pursuit for the right man, God will provide for them what they desire and need. Women put things in their hands and not in the hands of God who knows what is best for us. With the right man, you will have an everlasting relationship, for eternity, until death do apart. Women pursue men, and if it doesn't work out, they get a divorce, because they can easily get out of it. That's the wrong mind-set."

It doesn't matter if you're shy or that you are a homebody, God will see to it that Mr. Right crosses your path in due time, says Rev. Webster. Just wait. Don't go after a man. Be patient.

"I was shy, but I truly believed God. He will provide it according to his Word because He loves us that much. I met my husband (Pastor Jack Webster) in March of 1959 and we married in November of 1959. It's been happily ever after. I was in the right place. It was just meant to be."

Michael Baisden, author of How and Why Men Cheat and The Maintenance Man, disagrees that women should not pursue men. He says that women lose when they sit still. If a woman wants to find someone right for her, she must make things happen.

"You will end up the choosee and not the chooser," he says. "You will be attracted to those attracted to you and not those you are attracted to."

Going after a man, explains Baisden, isn't as hard as people make it out to be. He says that it's as simple as observing. "Men observe women. We watch how you act. We have a chance to observe your behavior before we approach you. When you observe, you can see if that's something you like."

He also says women should be true to themselves when going after a man.

"The best game is genuineness. You want to let a person know right off the top who you are. You don't want your representative to speak for you. If that person doesn't like you, it will be easier to move on."

Women who don't believe in going after men for fear that they may be perceived as "too aggressive" or "not ladylike" use those reasons as an excuse, says Baisden.

"That's a cop-out for women. They just don't want to deal with rejection. They say it's out of the natural order to go after a man," he quips. "They are afraid of getting hurt. It's about getting what you want. Men always do that. Women have fragile egos. We have egos and emotions too. Now they see what we have to go through. No guts, no glory. You can't be a chicken and expect to get the prize."

On the flip side of the coin, Baisden says that men who dislike women for going afar them have their own hang-ups.

"Some men think ladies who go after you are fast, nasty and a 'freak.' Freaks are good. We all have a little freak in us," he laughs. "Men who say those things are very immature and insecure. A woman who goes after you is assertive and aggressive. If you're not packing and you can't pack, the last thing you want is an assertive woman. Some men can't handle a woman who really lets herself go."

Monique Jellerette-deJongh, co-author of How to Marry a Black Man: The Real Deal, also believes that women should seize the moment and go after that eye candy, but cautions that it's conditional.

"Every situation is different. Some women shouldn't be going after a man because they are not ready to be in a relationship themselves," explains Jellerette-deJongh. "She may also approach someone who might not be ready or a suitable candidate for a relationship."