Should couples undergo counseling before marriage?

Jet, March 11, 1996

Seeking to reduce the soaring number of divorces in the U.S., lawmakers are looking at premarital counseling as a solution.

Believing that knowledge of a future spouse's thoughts and beliefs concerning finances, children, employment, sex and religion, through premarital counseling, could prove beneficial in ensuring a lasting marriage, Maryland lawmakers are considering a law to make couples wait 60 days to get a marriage license unless they go through premarital counseling.

Michigan wants to increase waiting periods and license fees unless couples get counseling, and in Minnesota and Mississippi, legislators want to require counseling before granting licenses.

Experts estimate that 50 percent of marriages in the '90s will end in divorce. And many experts-ranging from lawyers to clergymen-can assist couples with their marital problems.

So, should couples undergo counseling before marriage?

Dr. Charles V. Willie, a professor of education and urban studies at Harvard University who is also the current vice president of the American Sociological Association, says, "Yes."

Dr. Willie believes couples should undergo counseling before marriage as a means of preventing problems, or at least being better equipped to handle them.

"I certainly believe counseling would enable people to anticipate problems and also be armed with methods and techniques of solving the problems," Dr. Willie told JET. "Most individuals do not have techniques of conflict resolution and premarital counseling will definitely be beneficial."

Dr. Willie, who has authored the books Mental Health, Racism & Sexism, Theories of Human Social Action, and New Look At Black Families, says conflict is inevitable when the reconciliation of opposites come together.

Premarital counseling will help couples learn to cope with and even prevent problems, maintained Dr. Willie.

Oddly enough, many couples look for counseling only when their marriage is in the danger zone, but some experts say receiving counseling before problems surface is just as essential because counseling should also be a preventive measure.

Dr. Derek S. Hopson, a clinical psychologist, author and noted relationship therapist, told JET he believes premarital counseling is significant because it can be used to prepare couples for the challenges marriage will present. He says couples who get premarital counseling will learn to negotiate, compromise and communicate before getting married, consequently having an edge over those couples who may not be prepared to deal with these issues.

"There are no conflict-free relationships Counseling is good for preventing serious problems and not just when serious problems in a relation-ship occur," said Dr. Hopson, who, along with his wife of 11 years, Dr. Darlene Powell Hopson, are the authors of the book Friends, Lovers and Soulmates: A Guide To A Better Relationship Between Black Men and Women.

"Counseling is good with communications issues because communication and learning how to express one's own feelings is important in marriage," Dr. Hopson continued.

While many believe premarital counseling is necessary, some believe it should be at the couple's discretion and that certain circumstances will determine whether counseling is needed.

Keith Watters, president of the National Bar Association in Washington, D.C., told JET he recommends legal counseling when there are substantial assets at stake or prior legal matters exist.

"I don't think counseling is appropriate for, or necessary for, most people unless they have a business, substantial assets or pre-existing legal matters," said Watters, who says preexisting circumstances such as a previous marriage or children can affect all those preparing to join the marital union.

"It's better to be safe than sorry and better to know up front than to find out later when it's too late and you have less control," said Watters, suggesting couples have a family lawyer in place prior to marriage in the event they must enlist legal help down the road of the union.

Noted relationship therapist and author Audrey B. Chapman told JET she too believes that couples should seek counseling before getting married.

Chapman, who wrote, Getting Good Loving: How Black Men and Women Can Make Love Work, says many people go for counseling late, when a marriage is on the brink of divorce, and then expect an immediate solution.

"You have to know yourself and who you're relating to. That person comes with whole experiences such as family, social, educational and all kinds of things that make up who they are as a person. You need to know all of that before getting married," said Chapman, who says she believes premarital counseling should be a prerequisite for any type of stable marriage.

Though premarital counseling has been required in U.S. Catholic churches for nearly 25 years, it isn't required in Baptist churches; however, the Rev. Donald Jones, pastor of Greater New Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Cincinnati, OH, maintains he will not marry a couple unless they have attended premarital counseling.