Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

Jet, Jan 12, 1998

In today's world of constant change and transition, many relationships are bound to be forced to endure some sort of separation. Whether it is caused by a job change, military commitment, educational quest or a family obligation, separation can have resounding effects on romantic relationships.

In the midst of separation, some may turn to the adage: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But does the maxim really hold true?

"Absence is more likely to make the heart grow fonder if the relationship has depth, strength and breadth," suggests Vesta Callender, a psychotherapist with practices in Greenwich, CT, and New York City. She says this type of relationship is one that has both its spiritual and economic needs met, and the relationship has enjoyed not only good times, but trials that have been overcome.

Callender also says that people's personalities are key in determining whether absence can aid the relationship.

"Some personality types tend to be constant and to cultivate lasting relationships," she describes. This type of person would "yearn for the absent party, reminisce about the past, have glowing memories of times spent together and look forward to the future." Those things contribute to making the heart grow fonder.

However, Callender says the amount of time spent apart is just as important as the other elements of the relationship.

"Separation is experienced in stages," she explains. "The attitude changes over time." She says in the beginning absence very well may make the heart grow fonder, but later on the attitude may be "out of sight, out of mind."

The commitment level in the relationship is usually a major factor to determine whether or not absence can improve the relationship, points out Derek McNeil, who teaches psychology at Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL.

"I think relationships where people have made at least some choice to spend an extended amount of time together, as in marriage, or have some commitment between each other to be exclusive, could lend itself to making the heart grow fonder (if apart)," McNeil says. He contends that the partners would "certainly have to nurture the relationship, communicate well, share parts of their lives with each other and maintain some level of connectiveness.

"If they can't do that, they'll have more problems. (Distance) is not a total cutoff, but an attempt to nurture a relationship without having a spatial condition."

Space is good for relationships when people use it to work on themselves, according to Dr. Jerry Davis, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta.

"Absence can be positive sometimes when there's a need to work on yourself," he explains. "We come to any relationship carrying our own issues. Sometimes when we have some space, that can be positive if it is used to work on oneself and not used to establish another relationship."

Davis also points to the commitment level to determine whether relationships can withstand separation. He paraphrases a quote by Francois Rochefoucauld to make his point: As the wind will blow out a candle, but fan a fire, absence will diminish mediocre passion, but increase great ones.

"Yes, to some degree, absence can make it grow fonder, but it is not a good formula for sustaining the relationship," he asserts.

He says people "have a built-in need for intimacy with ourselves, others and God. When we find ourselves out of that presence, there is need."

Dr. Julia Hare, a relationship expert who wrote How To Find A BMW (Black Man Working), points out that there are two parts to the adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. She says, "Sometimes it makes the heart go yonder."

She contends that she doesn't advise couples to live in separate cities or stay away from each other for an extended period of time if they can help it.

Hare says distant relationships have "a lack of physical contact, spiritual, mental bonding that comes from being with them every day, living in the same city."

She also points out that "in most relationships there usually is just one partner who is less secure than the other."

When that less-secure person calls the other one and he or she is not in, "that mind starts to clicking....and things start to go downhill from there."