My very own monorail: one city's internal battle over the best way to get its cartoonists to and from a baseball game!

Reason, March, 2005 by Peter Bagge

THE VOTERS OF SEATTLE JUST APPROVED--FOR THE FOURTH TIME--A MONORAIL LINE, IN SPITE OF IT'S OPPONENTS' LAST DITCH EFFORT TO KILL THE $1.5 BILLION BOONDOGGLE ONCE AND FOR ALL ...

YOU'D THINK THE PRICE TAG ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO ARGUE AGAINST IT, YET THE OPPOSITION IS AN ODD COLLECTION OF FOLKS WITH ALL SORTS OF AXES TO GRIND ...

MANY OF THE CHARGES AGAINST THE MONORAIL TURNED OUT TO BE EXAGGERATIONS--FABRICATIONS, EVEN--AS WELL AS THE PARANOID RAVINGS OF THOSE WHO FEAR CHANGE OF ANY KIND ...

STILL, IT WAS A NATURAL REACTION TO THE STARK FISCAL REALITIES THAT WERE STARTING TO CLOUD OVER THE SUNNY TO US BY THE MONORAIL'S PROPONENTS ...

THE RELATIVELY "GRASSROOTS" MONORAIL PROJECT WAS ORIGINALLY CONCEIVED AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO A PROPOSED UBER-BOONDOGGLE LIGHT-RAIL LINE (WHICH WE ALSO VOTED FOR, SINCE WE'RE THE BOONDOGGLIEST TOWN ARROUND!).

... AND WE CAN FUND IT WITH A SURCHARGE ON ALL CARS REGISTERED IN THE CITY!

THAT WAY WE'D ALSO BE CREATING A FINANCIAL INCENTIVE TO USE MASS TRANSIT! *

GOOD THINKING!

(REMIND ME TO REGISTER MY CAR IN THE SUBURBS).

* THIS PLAN ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO SELL THEIR CARS, NOT USE THEM LESS AND IT'S COST ME OVER $100 ALREADY!

MEANWHILE, THE MONORAIL'S OPPONENTS TROTTED OUT THEIR OWN TELEGENIC "EXPERT" ENGINEER, WHOSE FACE FILLED THE AIRWAVES MAKING ALL SORTS OF DIRE CLAIMS ...

A MONORAIL LINE CANNOT RUN AT GRADE OR GO UNDERGROUND ...

THE 90-FOOT STATIONS CAN ONLY ACCOMMODATE 90-FOOT TRAINS ...

CANCELLING IT WILL FREE UP SCARCE REVENUES FOR THE FAR SUPERIOR LIGHT-RAIL PROJECT!

?!

IF THESE CLAIMS ALL SOUND BOGUS TO YOU, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE. BESIDES, NO ONE WANTS THE MONORAIL TO RUN ON OR UNDER THE GROUND! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!

THIS GAZILLION-DOLLAR, TOP-DOWN, "PUBLIC-PRIVATE PARTNERSHIP" BLACK HOLE IRONICALLY CALLED "SOUND TRANSIT" ORIGINALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO CONNECT ALL OF THE REGION'S MAIN HUBS WITH LIGHT-RAIL SERVICE...

ONCE IT BECAME APPARENT THAT ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD WOULD BARELY PAY FOR IT, THE "INITIAL PHASE" WAS SCALED BACK TO A LINE THAT'LL RUN FROM DOWNTOWN TO SOME GUY'S HOUSE THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW. WHAT A WASTE!

THE MONORAIL'S ROUTE, ON THE OTHER HAND, NOT ONLY GOES RIGHT BY MY HOUSE, BUT CONNECTS MANY OF MY FAVORITE DESTINATIONS (ON THOSE RARE OCCASIONS WHEN I ACTUALLY LEAVE THE HOUSE THAT IS)...

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS IS A FAR SUPERIOR ROUTE, AND WELL WORTH A MEASLY $1.5 BIL. MONEY WELL SPENT, I'D SAY!

SINCE THEY HAVE TO SHARE THE ROAD WITH EVERYTHING ELSE, LIGHT-RAIL TRAINS ARE BASICALLY BIGGER, UNWIELDY, MORE EXPENSIVE BUSES. FAR FROM RELIEVING TRAFFIC CONGESTION, THESE RIGHT-OF-WAY HOGS ARE TRAFFIC JAMS ON WHEELS!

AND THANKS TO NEW NOISE REDUCTION TECHNOLOGY, I ALMOST GET RUN OVER BY ONE EVERY TIME I VISIT PORTLAND, OR.!

MONORAILS, HOWEVER, RUN ABOVE THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC, AND NEW RAILS AND BEAMS ARE FAR LESS OBTRUSIVE THAN THEY USED TO BE...

THIS IS ALSO WHY THE MONORAIL IS MY BOONDOGGLE OF CHOICE, AT LEAST IN THEORY (AND IF I'M NOT REMINDED OF THAT "SIMPSONS" EPISODE ITS CRITICS LOVE TO QUOTE).

DEBATING THESE TWO SYSTEMS' PROS AND CONS CAN GET AS HEATED AS DISCUSSING RELIGION OR POLITICS, AND SOME OF THE FEARS EXPRESSED AGAINST THE MONORAIL BORDERS ON THE DERANGED...

BUT THE REAL DEBATE IS WHETHER WE REALLY NEED THESE EXPENSIVE TRANSIT SYSTEMS AT ALL, AND I MEAN NEED, SINCE WE ALL WANT THE DRIVER IN FRONT OF US TO FORSAKE HIS CAR AND USE MASS TRANSIT INSTEAD. MORE ROOM ON THE HIGHWAYS FOR BIG FAT US!

TRAFFIC IN THIS BURG HAS GOTTEN PRETTY BAD, THOUGH, AND IT'S BOUND TO GET WORSE, SO WE WIND UP BEING THRILLED THAT WE BUILT THESE THINGS WHEN WE DID. OR NOT. HEY, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, NOSTRADAMUS?!?

WHILE THESE MASS TRANSIT PROJECTS MAY BE AN ECONOMIC BOON TO THE NEIGHBORHOODS THEY SERVE, THEY ALSO MAY SPELL DISASTER FOR THE MANY SMALL BUSINESSES THEY'LL BE DISPLACING...

OF COURSE, WE'RE OBLIGED TO PAY FOR THEIR RELOCATION, BUT THEIR HARD-EARNED CLIENTELE ISN'T LIKELY TO MOVE WITH THEM.

IN FACT, A GOVERNMENT EXERCISING ITS EMINENT DOMAIN PRIVILEGES IS NEVER A PRETTY SIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ON THE FRONT LINES...

IN THE NAME OF "PROGRESS," A WELL-FINANCED GRAND VISION OFTEN WINDS UP CRUSHING MANY SMALLER, HUMBLER ASPIRATIONS.

YET THESE ISSUES ALSO ILLUSTRATE WHY A PRIVATELY BUILT AND RUN MASS TRANSIT SYSTEM ON THIS SCALE WOULD BE ALL BUT IMPOSSIBLE...

EXTENDING EMINENT DOMAIN RIGHTS TO A PRIVATE COMPANY SHOULD BE AN IMPOSIBILITY, EVEN THOUGH WE DO IT ALL THE TIME IN THE FORM OF SPORTS STADIUMS AND LUXURY CONDO COMPLEXES.

THERE'S AN UNDENIABLE ANTI-AUTOMOBILE MENTALLY BEHIND] ALL THESE TRANSIT PROJECTS--ESPECIALLY IN A COMMUNITY AS "ECOTOPIAN" AS SEATTLE IS...

THIS SENTIMENT IS OFTEN EXPRESSED WITH A RELIGIOUS FERVOR THAT INCLUDES THE BELIEF THAT WE'RE CAUSING ANOTHER GLACIER TO MELT EVERY TIME WE DRIVE TO THE GROCERY STORE.

THE WORST ARE THE BICYCLE ADVOCATES, WHO FORCED US TO INSTALL UNDERUSED DESIGNATED BIKE LANES ALL OVER THE PLACE, SOMETIMES AT GREAT COST TO CERTAIN BUSINESSES...

OTHER COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS ONCE BLOCKED THE DEVELOPMENT OF CONDOS ON THE FORMER SITE OF ONE OF THESE AESTHETICALLY UNPLEASING BUSINESSES, CLAIMING THEY WANTED TO PRESERVE THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD'S "INDUSTRIAL BASE"!