D.C. Valentines - Humor

Reason, May, 2000 by Michael W. Lynch

In which our man in Washington gets lectured on chastity, talks morality with Newt, and watches wannabe pols woo big money donors.

Date: 2/11/2000 11:45 AM

From: mlynch@reasondc.org

Subject: Cocktail Chat

It was a parody of a politician's remarks at a cocktail reception, according to an eyewitness. My source, who craves and deserves anonymity, witnessed 20 minutes of inspired gibberish courtesy of the House majority leader, Rep. Dick Armey (R-Texas), at a cocktail reception for Star Parker's Coalition for Urban Renewal and Education.

Armey quoted the Old Testament and spoke of the joys of fatherhood and welfare reform. He paused to check his zipper. At one point he spoke of "Willie" and asked the mostly black crowd, "You guys know who Willie Nelson is, don't you?" before explaining, "He's big in Texas." Armey was met with quizzical stares.

And then there was Armey's necessary but uncomfortable segue into praising Newt Gingrich, the evening's keynoter. Armey was rambling about how it is hard in Washington to find models of personal integrity and family values and then, without hesitation, he said he would like to introduce Newt Gingrich. "I think the term 'moral conduct' was in there," says National Review's Ramesh Ponnuru (not my source, incidentally), who started edging to the bar during Armey's remarks. "If you didn't know that Dick Armey lacks guile, you would have thought it was an elaborate put-down of the former speaker."

To his credit, the recently divorced Newt was attending the event with two boy lackeys, and not the thirty-something staffer he boffed all those years while he was restoring moral values to this great nation.

But I missed all of that: I was attending a party in celebration of REASON contributor Jonathan Rauch's latest book, Government's End: Why Washington Stopped Working. Indeed, I arrived just after Armey left. "You missed a great Armey speech," one of his aides told me as I entered the Washington Court Hotel.

Date: 2/14/2000 3:57 PM

From: mlynch@reasondc.org

Subject: Funny Valentine from the Chastity Revolution

"It appalls me," testified Phil Sapienza, a Maryland community college student standing behind a podium in National Press Club's Murrow Room. Sapienza looked very much the urban hipster: both ears pierced, close-cropped hair, and black bowling shirt. Phil, along with three other continent students, was ringing in National Chastity Week on the first Valentine's Day of the new millennium (or the last of the old millennium). He wasn't simply appalled -- he was also "ticked off" that he couldn't even watch an episode of The Simpsons without sex coming up. And just forget about MTV, said Phil testily; it's just all sex these days. For a chaste fellow like Sapienza, such programming is extremely frustrating. Then again, given his vow, even Who Wants to Be a Millionaire probably leads to impure thoughts.

Also up at the repression rally: Tracy, a blue-eyed, bottle-assisted blond who unfortunately bore a striking resemblance to legendary porn queen Nina Hartley. Tracy was a "sex educator" -- or perhaps more accurately, a non-sex educator--and she was venting what must be years of built-up frustration. She spoke of "sexual purity," and claimed to be making her case for chastity on the foundation of science. "Truth speaks through science," said twenty-something Tracy, who also noted that kids always fall below whatever standard you set for them. Therefore, she concluded, if adults give teenagers condoms, they won't even use them. She figured that if standards are set high enough--like never, ever have sex or even engage in heavy petting--America's youth will embrace them.

Date: 2/16/2000 5:04 PM

From: mlynch@reasondc.org

Subject: Max Tax Morality Swing

Newt Gingrich doesn't always leave the other woman at home. Last night, the former speaker and the potential third Mrs. Gingrich chose to celebrate National Chastity Week by swinging the night away at the American Enterprise Institute's annual dinner.

The place was packed with conservativoid movers and shakers: P.J. O'Rourke, Charles Murray, David Brooks and Andrew Ferguson of The Weekly Standard, Rep. Christopher Cox, Jeanne Kirkpatrick (reaching for the Ravenswood Zinfandel with diplomatic aplomb), anti-feminist author Danielle Crittenden and her husband David Frum (whose latest tome, How We Got Here, tut-tuts the '70s for sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll), Michael Novak (who, I assume, sat out that part of the '70s), Robert Bork (ditto), and Arianna Huffington (maybe not).

All were on hand to see AEI President Christopher DeMuth accept AEI's annual award and an illustrated Bible. The petit filet and salmon dinner and scrumptious chocolate dessert (sort of a mud pie without the ice cream) were just gravy. It wasn't a format that favored the speaker, but DeMuth's comments on life and politics in an affluent age went over well, even with a people who'd been cocktailing on empty stomachs for two hours by the time he finished. "Government sprawl, stripmall socialism," is how he characterized Clinton's micro-initiatives. He also proclaimed that we live in an age when "liposuction competes with diet and exercise."