"Real" "art": or "Mr. Grumpy goes to an art museum and comes out belaboring the obvious!"

Reason, August-Sept, 2004 by Peter Bagge

SEATTLE'S HENRY ART GALLERY IS A TYPICALLY CONFUSING CONCRETE LUMP, HOUSING EQUALLY INCOHERENT ART WORK ...

LIKE MANY SUCH ARTS INSTITUTIONS, THE HENRY IS BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY ATTACHED TO A PUBLIC UNIVERSITY, THUS BLURRING IT'S MISSION WITH THAT OF "HIGHER EDUCATION" ...

ON A RECENT VISIT, I HAD THE MISFORTUNE BY THE "PLAYFUL" FURNITURE DESIGNER ROY MCMAKIN ...

THIS PILE OF FURNITURE IS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS ... *

WHY IS IT EVEN HERE? *

THE BROCHURE DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT ... *

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* ACTUAL OVERHEARD QUOTES

ALSO AT THE HENRY WAS AN EXHIBIT HONORING THE CHOREOGRAPHER TRICIA BROWN, WHOSE PERFORMANCE ART TYPIFIED THE EYE-ROLL-INDUCING SELF-INDULGENCE THAT HAS DOMINATED THE FINE ART WORLD SINCE THE 19605 ...

WATCHING AN OLD FILM OF MS. BROWN PRANCING ABOUT WITH A PROJECTOR STRAPPED TO HER BACK MAKES ONE WONDER IF THIS IS WHAT HER FOLKS HAD IN MIND WHEN THEY ENROLLED HER IN TAP LESSONS ...

THEN AGAIN SHE DID BUILD A CAREER OUT OF THIS NONSENSE!

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AS IF TO ILLUSTRATE HOW NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THIS EXHIBIT ALSO FEATURED ANOTHER UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS VIDEO LOOP BY ONE OF TRICIA'S ATTENTION-STARVED PROGENY, WHOSE MOTIONLESS STARE WOULD OCCASIONALLY BE PUNCTUATED BY SUDDEN GESTURES LIKE BARING HER CLAWS, OR POINTING AT THE WALL BEHIND HER ...

THE CARD SAID THIS "PIECE" IS ON LOAN FROM SOMEONE'S PRIVATE COLLECTION ...

HAW!

SOMEBODY OWNS THIS THING? DO THEY LEAVE IT RUNNING IN THEIR HOME ALL DAY?!

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AS A FORMER N.Y.C. PRESIDENT, ART SCHOOL DROPOUT, AND PRACTITIONER OF WHAT USED TO BE THE LEAST RESPECTED ART FORM OF ALL (COMIC BOOKS), MY FEELINGS TOWARD THE CONTEMPORARY FINE ART WORLD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A MIX OF BEMUSEMENT, RESENTMENT AND CONTEMPT.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ART?

?!? WHAT "ART"?

--OH THE ART! WHY, IT'S FABULOUS DAHLINK!

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95% OF WHAT THEY'RE HYPING IS PURE CRAP, YET IF YOU DARE TO SAY AS MUCH OUT LOUD YOU'LL BE LOOKED UPON AS A CLUELESS PHILISTINE!

ANOTHER THING THAT ALWAYS KILLED ME IS THOSE CARDS ACCOMPANYING EACH PIECE, EXPLAINING WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT IN THE MOST VAGUE, POMPOUS, AND CONDESCENDING COLLEGE-THESIS TERMINOLOGY IMAGINABLE ...

..." THIS PORTRAIT BY CATHERINE OPIE BLURS ALL OUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT RACE, GENDER, + BODY ADORNMENT ..."

?! IT DOES?

... WAIT A MINUTE--NO, IT DOESN'T

WHY DO THEY HAVE THESE? WHAT PURPOSE DO THEY SERVE? DO THEY THINK WE'RE ALL RETARDED?

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THESE SAME CARDS OFTEN CHALLENGE US TO 'RE-EXAMINE" OUR "ATTITUDES" WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY URGING US TO "DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS" ABOUT THE WORK ...

OH, HOW SAD ...

HAW!

BUT DO THE CURATORS REALLY BELIEVE THAT ANY CONCLUSION IS AN ACCEPTABLE ONE?

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THE MERE CONTEXT OF A LARGE, STERILE MUSEUM OR GALLERY GIVES ANYTHING THEY CHOOSE TO DISPLAY AN EXAGGERATED SENSE OF IMPORTANCE. IT BECOMES "ART" SIMPLY BY BEING THERE!

LOOK! A REPLICA OF DUCHAMP'S IMFAMOUS URINAL!

SUCH A BOLD STATEMENT!

WHAT VISION THAT MAN HAD!

?!? WHAT'S THAT STUPID THING DOING HERE?

MARCEL DUCHAMP MADE THIS POINT A CENTURY AGO WHEN HE ENTERED A URINAL IN AN OPEN ART EXHIBIT, BUT SINCE THEN HIS PRANK HAS BECOME THE BASIS OF AN ENTIRE RACKET!

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THE FINE WORLD CLAIMS THAT THEY VALUE IDEAS, YET THEY TEND TO CONSIDER TRADITIONAL CRAFTSMANSHIP TO BE ANTITHETICAL TO COMMUNICATING "NEW IDEAS ..."

OH DEAR, NOT ANOTHER MONSTROSITY BY THAT BARBARIAN, ROBERT WILLIAMS ...

SOMEONE SHOULD HANG HIM INSTEAD OF HIS "PAINTINGS"!

TO THEM, AN ARTIST WHO CAN SKILLFULLY PAINT REPRESENTATIONAL IMAGES ISN'T REALLY A "PAINTER" AT ALL, BUT A MERE "ILLUSTRATOR ..."

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THIS AVERSION TO CRAFTSMANSHIP IS THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF THE FRAGILE, EASILY DEBUNKED AESTHETIC THAT THE FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT DESPERATELY CLINGS TO ...

CLAY, YOU HAVE A FLAIR FOR DECORATING ...

WHERE DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HANG MY NORMAN ROCKWELL PRINT?

"NORMAN ROCKWELL"? UGH!

MIGHT I SUGGEST THE BATHROOM?

AS IS CASE WITH ALL SELF-APPOINTED ARBITERS OF TASTE, THEY FEEL COMPELLED TO DENIGRATE ANYTHING THAT THE AVERAGE SCHMUCK CAN RECOGNIZE AS QUALITY WORK.

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THIS SAME "FINE ART ESTABLISHMENT" IS ALSO LOCKED IN AN ENDLESS CULTURE WAR WITH AMERICA'S TRADITIONAL MAINSTREAM VALUES ...

YOUR GODLESS "ART GALLERY" SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THIS COMMUNITY!

OH YEAH? WELL, I HEREBY BAN GOD FROM MY GALLERY!

THEY SEE THEMSELVES AS WAGING A WAR AGAINST CULTURAL OPPRESSION, AND IN A SENSE THEY'RE RIGHT, IF YOU OVERLOOK THE FACT THAT THEIR OWN VALUES ARE JUST AS ORTHODOX AS THEIR ENEMIES!

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THIS CULTURAL WAR CAME TO A NOISY HEAD IN THE LATE '80S WHEN ARCH-CONSERVATIVE SENATOR JESSE HELMS MADE A BIG STINK OVER THE FEDERAL FUNDING OF A PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT FEATURING THE HOMOEROTIC WORK OF ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE, AS WELL AS ANDREAS SERRANO'S NOTORIOUS "PISS CHRIST ..."

NO DISTINCTION WAS MADE IN THIS DEBATE OVER THE QUALITY OF THESE WORKS, THUS FOREVER LINKING MAPPLETHORPE'S EXCELLENT (AND COMMERCIALLY SUCCESSFUL) PHOTOS WITH SERRANO'S WITLESS, JUVENILE PRANK IN THE PUBLIC'S MIND.