In search of … an honest republican

Reason, Nov, 2004 by Peter Bagge

8/5/04: I'm deep in the bowels of Safeco which U.S. Representative George Nethercutt (R-WA) has rented out to remind his fellow Washingtonians that he wants to be our next senator ...

Nethercutt is best known for reneging on his original campaign pledge to step down after three terms. He's now in his SIXTH term, thus inspiring the creation of a new verb: nethercutting ...

He's making his case for the Senate mainly by painting the incumbent, the quintessential "soccer mom" Patty Murray, as a borderline TRAITOR, while simultaneously grafting If onto The Troops ...

... SENATOR MURRAY HAS SHOWN TIME AND AGAIN THAT SHE HAS LITTLE REGARD FOR WASHINGTON STATE--OR FOR FAMILIES, OR FOR OUR YOUNG HEROES FIGHTING OVERSEAS ...

ZZZZZ ...

WHILE I CARE DEEPLY FOR OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM, AS WELL AS FOR THE POOR PEOPLE OF WAR-TORN IRAQ ...

BUT, MR. CONGRESSMAN ...

... YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD US WHY YOU WON'T DEBATE YOUR REPUBLICAN OPPONENTS ... *

Aww! He cares about both the bombers AND the bombees! How nice of him to help bring them all together!

* It's because he doesn't have to, ya dummy!

Nethercutt's dark horse status meant a small media presence, which also meant that I got to spend a whopping two minutes talking to him one on one --though it fell more like I was being talked at ...

I'VE SEEN NO EVIDENCE THAT THE PATRIOT ACT HAS BEEN MISUSED ...

AND OF COURSE I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE DEFICIT, WHICH IS WHY I ROUTINELY VOTE FOR A BALANCED BUDGET ...

BUT AT TIMES OF WAR OTHER CONCERNS MUST TAKE PRECEDENCE ...

YES BUT, I ... UH ... ER ... OKAY.

Interviewing a seasoned politician is like being run over by a steamroller!

At that, the congressman gave me the requisite hearty handshake and trademark Republican polite-yet-condescending smile before rushing back to D.C. to vote yet again in favor of a "balanced budget" ...

WHAT A CREEP!

I felt like I had dropped the ball by not calling him on the BS he hurled at me, but I couldn't bring myself to get all up in his face about it, figuring I'd just make fun of him in this comic strip instead. Just call me a gonzo pussy!

My dad was a Republican. He was all about low taxes and smaller government, thongh he was what would later be called a "moderate" or "Northeast establishment" Republican--a group that became somewhat marginalized as the religious right first joined and then began to dominate the G.O.P...

... WE MUST RESIST THOSE WHO ARE TRYING TO BAN GOD FROM OUR SCHOOLS ...

?

WHAT CAVE DID THIS HILLBILLY CRAWL OUT OF?

From that point on be held his nose and voted for the "lesser of two evils"--something he never felt he was doing when pulling the lever for the likes of Eisenhower and Goldwater.

These days, the only person who even pretends to believe that the GOP stands for a fiscally restrathed, "hands off" government is George Nethercutt's speechwriter. The question is, does anyone care? Do any Republicans care? Out of curiosity, I decided to ask a few of them myself ...

PLEASE, HAVE ALL THE CHEESCAKE YOU WANT, MR. BAGGE

DON'T BE SHY!

THANKSH! GOBBLE GOBBLE ...

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN "THE STEPFORD WIVES"! I LOVE IT!

THE CHAIRMAN WILL SEE YOU NOW, MR. BAGGE ...

... which is thr fiom a grim assignment, since right-wing gatherings tend to be far more pleasant and organized affairs than their perpetually frazzled left-wing counterparts. Plus they know that the best way to a journalist's brain is through his stomach!

Republicans also love to wallow in all sorts of AMERICANA, which can be quite charming, if not downright hilarious at times. It seems to be a pnint of pride that they outdo the Dems in the sheer number of Uncle-Sams-on-Stilts or pets dressed as patriots at all of their rallies ...

My all-time favorites were these two little kids dressed in animal costumes. The elephant reference was obvious, but who wss the kid in the FROG COSTUME supposed to represent? FRANCE, perhaps? I kept waiting for the elephant kid to beat up the frog kid as part of some political passion play, but no such luck.

One event that was sure to have plenty of such all-American cheese (as well as chccsecake) was this RNC-sponsored talk by the author of a book about the Founding Fathers, held in some slick suburban hotel. Being a Founding Fathers fetishist myself. I was there with bells on!

DON'T YOU THINK THE WORD "STATIST" APPLIES TO BUSH AS WELL?

HEY, THERE'S A WAR ON! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

BUT KERRY'D BE MUCH WORSE. KERRY SCARES ME.

In the parldng lot I met a Libertarian-turned-Republican who justified his support for Bush by his fear of what an "unabashed statist" like Kerry would do to the economy. Like a true conservative, he'd rather settle for our current mess than experience a new mess!

Once inside, I listened to a woman who was running for a county judge position do some campaigning. Since the big news that week concerned a Seattle judge who had recently ruled in favor of gay marriage, everyone wanted to hear her take on such egregious judicial "activism" ...

WOULD YOU BE AN ACTIVIST OR A CONSTITUTIONALIST JUDGE?

?!? ALL JUDGES ARE "CONSTITUTIONALIST"!