Amtrak sucks traveling Soviet-style aboard America's $30,000,000,000.00 Nostalgia Toy!

... CHICO, NEXT STOP! CHICO, CALIFORNIA ...

CHICO?!? ACCORDING TO THE SCHEDULE WE SHOULD BE HALF-WAY THROUGH OREGON BY NOW!

WE WERE JUST PULLING INTO SAN JOSE WHEN WE WENT TO BED. WE'VE ONLY MOVED 200 MILES IN THE LAST EIGHT HOURS!

AT THIS RATE WE'RE SURE TO BE SPENDING ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT IN THIS RATTLING TIN CAN BEFORE WE GET HOME TO SEATTLE ...

MAYBE EVEN TWO NIGHTS ...

OH, MY ACHING HEAD ...

?!?

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OUR INITIAL TRIP DOWN THE WEST COAST WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIRTY-SIX HOURS, BUT WE PULLED INTO L.A. AT 3AM, SIX HOURS BEHIND SCHEDULE.

SOME "VIEW" ...

WE'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT PILE OF SCRAP METAL FOR AN HOUR!

THE "OBSERVATION DECK"

THE DELAYS WERE USUALLY BLAMED ON ONCOMING FREIGHT TRAINS, MOST OF WHICH WEREN'T MOVING FOR NEVER EVEN MATERIALIZED.

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OUR RETURN TRIP HAD EVEN MORE DELAYS--ONE OF WHICH WAS BLAMED ON A ROAD CREW WHOSE EQUIPMENT WAS BLOCKING THE TRACK ...

?!? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

DID THOSE TRACTORS MOVE THEMSELVES?

BUT WHEN WE PASSED BY THERE WAS NO CREW!

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THESE ENDLESS DELAYS COMPOUNDED OTHER PROBLEMS, WHICH ADDED TO AMTRAK'S OWN OBLIGATIONS AND EXPENSES ...

WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR CONNECTING TRAIN TO SPOKANE ...

ONLY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR SIX HOURS FOR THE DRIVER TO SHOW UP.

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THEY ALSO MEANT MORE MEALS HAD TO BE SERVED THAN HAD BEEN PLANNED FOR ...

EXCUSE ME--IS THERE A SAFEWAY NEARBY?

WHICH MEANT MORE UNSCHEDULED STOPS 50 THE CHEF COULD RUN INTO TOWN TO BUY MORE FOOD!

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AS THESE PROBLEMS MOUNTED, SOME OF THE CREW GOT A BIT DEFENSIVE ...

WHAT TIME WILL WE BE PULLING INTO PORTLAND NOW?

10 P.M., JUST LIKE THE SCHEDULE SAYS.

BUT IT'S ALREADY 10:30 ...

I SAID 10 P.M.! CASE CLOSED!

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OTHER CREWMEMBERS REMAINED AMIABLE, EVEN THOUGH (OR PERHAPS BECAUSE?) THEY SEEMED BORDERLINE RETARDED ...

CAN ANYONE GUESS WHAT KIND OF WINE THIS IS?

IT TASTES LIKE A SAUVIGNON BLANC ...

WRONG! IT'S A "SAW-VIG-NON BLANK.

GOTHCA!

BUT, I--OH, NEVER MIND ...

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THESE DELAYS ALSO MEANT MORE "QUALITY TIME" WITH THE OTHER PASSENGERS, WHO WERE QUITE A STORY IN AND OF THEMSELVES:

JERRY SPRINGER LADY

... SO THEN MY METH-ADDICT SISTER ACCUSES ME OF MOLESTING HER! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

SWEET OLD BIRD, UNTIL SHE STARTS DRINKING

OH DEAR. THAT'S A TOUGH BREAK ALL RIGHT.

EUROTRASH PHILOSOPHER HIPPIE

ALL YOU NEED IN THEEZ VORLD EEZ LUFF. WHO NEEDS MONEY? NOT ME!

DESPERATE TO MAKE FRIENDS

REALLY? HOW'D YOU GET ON THI TRAIN, THEN?

NO WAY WAS SHE FROM VICTORIA MINNESOTA! KNOW WHY? 'CUZ THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE! GET ME AN ATLAS AND I'LL PROVE TI!

CATATONIC MARINE CADET

AMTRAK LIKES TO PROMOTE THE COMMUNAL NATURE OF RIDING THE RAILS, BUT MAN, WHAT A "COMMUNITY"!

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WHY WAS I ON THIS TOONERVILLE TROLLEY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU ASK? BECAUSE OF MY DAUGHTER'S EARS. THEY GIVE HER A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEN SHE FLIES, SO WE DECIDED TO TAKE THE "COAST STARLIGHT" TO CALIFORNIA INSTEAD ...

BABY I LOVE U--

THE TRAIN'S BRAKES

"HITCH" ON V.C.R.

BESIDES, AMTRAK'S WEB SITE MADE IT'S FIRST CLASS SECTION LIKE A HOTEL ON WHEELS. THEY EVEN HAVE AN "ENTERTAINMENT CENTER" ... OF SORTS ...

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AMTRAK'S DEFENDERS CLAIM THAT IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FLY THAT LONG-DISTANCE RAIL SERVICE IS A NECESSITY SINCE BUSES DON'T HAVE SLEEPER CARS ...

STILL, MOST PASSENGER RODE COACH FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP AND PROBABLY SLEPT AS WELL AS WE DID (AND FOR ONE-TENT THE COST).

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THE REAL REASON AMTRAK'S INTER-CITY SERVICE EXISTS IS SIMPLY TO APPEASE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A "THING" FOR TRAINS.

THERE GOES THE "ZEPHYA" ...

RIGHT ON TIME FOR A CHANGE, TOO!

--OOH! A RUSTING COAL CHUTE!

I GOTTA TAKE A PICTURE!

IN FACT, THE FIRST CLASS-SECTION OF OUR TRAIN CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF THESE RAILROAD "BUFFS."

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THESE (MOSTLY OLDER WHITE MALE) BUFFS WILL FORGIVE AMTRAK ALMOST ANYTHING, AS THEY PRATTLE ON ENDLESSLY ABOUT THE "ROMANCE" OF RIDING THE RAILS ...

ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC? I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN OLD MOVIE?

AND SO WHAT IF WE'RE RUNNING LATE? I'M IN NO RUSH!

AND I'M LATE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, YOU SMUG RETIRED JERK!

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THESE "RAILROADIANS" ADHERE TO ONE SIMPLE SOLUTION TO ALL OF AMTRAK'S WOES: MORE GOVERNMENT FUNDING.

WHOA! THESE TRACKS ARE IN BAD SHAPE ...

IT'S NOTHING THAT MORE FEDERAL DOLLARS COULDN'T CURE ...

--OOH! THERE GOES THE "SAN JOAQUIN."!

APPARENTLY THE MEANING OF THE PHRASE "THROWING GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD" HAS NEVER SUNK IN WITH THESE OLD-TIMERS.

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HERE'S MY SOLUTION: MAKE THESE TRAIN LOVERS PAY THE FULL COST OF TRAVELING LOND-DISTANCE BY RAIL, RATHER THAN MAKE TRAIN AVOIDERS (IE: 99% OF THE U.S. PUBLIC) FOOT MOST OF THE BILL.

I INSIST ON TAKING THE TRAIN FROM DISNEYLAND TO DISNEYWORLD ...