for the people

Insight on the News, April 16, 2001 by Stephen Goode

Imaginative Excuses for Absences From School

This is a list of excuses, some of which are very inventive, submitted to teachers and principals explaining (or trying to explain) student absences from class. It was sent by a friend of for the people who found the list on the Internet. A few probably were written by parents; others clearly were not.

* This excuse wins a prize not only for spelling, but also for getting carried away with a lack of basic knowledge about the calendar and what constitutes the days of a month: "Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33."

* "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

* "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

* "My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

* "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

* "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

* "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

* "Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

* "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

* "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

* "Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault."

* "I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears."

* "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

* "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

* "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang-over."

* This one certainly was the most elaborate excuse on the list: "Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat; her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around; her father even got hot last night."

* And for the people's favorite: "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

There Seems to Be a Word for Nearly Everything

Lots of things have names that very few of us know the words for, simply because we don't have any reason to use them very often or even at all. Here are a few examples of words for everyday things you probably didn't know and maybe thought didn't even have a name. They are taken from David Louis' 2201 Fascinating Facts (1983).

* Aglet: The plastic or metal tip of a shoelace.

* Bolster: The part of a knife (usually located toward the middle) that separates the blade from the handle.

* Bow: The top part of a key.

* Chuck: The hole in a pencil sharpener into which the pencil is placed.

* Counter: The piece of leather used to stiffen the rear part of a shoe.

* Flan: The flat side of a coin that has not yet been stamped.

* Kerf: The slit or cut line made by a knife or saw.

* Kickspace: The inset area for the feet beneath a kitchen or bathroom counter.

* Moon: The crescent-shaped white area on the lower part of a fingernail.

* Plunger: The disconnect button on a telephone.

* Rictus: The space or gap inside the open beak of a bird.

* Serifs: The tiny cross strokes at the tops and bottoms of printed letters.

* Tang: The prong of a fork.

* Worm: The spiral-shaped part of a corkscrew.

Let us hear your ideas for this feature. Write to: Insight, For the People, 3600 New York Ave. N.E., Washington, DC 20002. Or fax us at: (202) 529-2484. E-mail: Insight@wt.infi.net.