Award-Winners May Have Been Happier Just to Be Nominated

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Nov 24, 2003 | by Stephen Goode

Byline: Stephen Goode, INSIGHT

Award-Winners May Have Been Happier Just to Be Nominated

This column long has bestowed what for the people calls its "Keystone Crook" award for remarkable stupidity in the pursuit of crime. This time the award goes, hands down, to an unnamed man in Surrey, British Columbia.

What did this guy do to merit this distinguished and discriminating award? He attempted to steal a roll of copper wire, which doesn't seem like much until it's understood that the wire he attempted to purloin was attached to a running generator. And, alas, the unnamed 41-year-old perp found himself on the receiving end of a 27,000-volt electric shock, according to a dispatch from Reuters. Not surprisingly, his shoes were blown off in the process, though he somehow survived. Not so surprising, too, was the fact that the police said the would-be robber already was "well known" to them.

For the people has other awards it's ready to bestow. A Lady Macbeth, "Out Damned Spot" kudo goes to a Russian man who, disgusted with a nasty paint stain on his trousers, poured a liter (a little more than one quart) of gasoline into his washing machine to deal with the problem.

After all, that's how dry cleaners take care of dirty clothes, right? Well, no, or they wouldn't stay in business long. In the inevitable and ensuing explosion, the man's kitchen and two walls of his Moscow apartment were demolished, according to an ITAR-Tass report cited by Reuters.

Also from Reuters comes material for two additional for the people awards. Top prize in the "Nice Try, But It Wouldn't Work Here" category goes to a Greek Orthodox bishop in Cyprus who is proposing that confession boxes be established in every school on his island nation. Whether caught smoking or committing other sins and misdemeanors that their young flesh is heir to, teen-agers then quickly can come clean. The bishop, doubtless a very good man, suggests that such a policy would put young folks solidly on the straight and narrow path.

A Cypriot education official told the press, with the noncommittal and bloodless prose perfected by bureaucrats everywhere: "It's an idea which has been conveyed to us and we are looking at it."

And a "Very Clever Way to Catch a Criminal" award must be given to the policemen in Germany who caught a vicious crow that earlier had eluded capture. How? By getting the bird drunk.

The attack bird, very much in the style of Alfred Hitchcock's scary film The Birds, was given to angry dive-bomber raids against very surprised humans. But cat food soaked with high-proof schnapps (what other kind is there?) proved to be the undoing of the aggressive avian.

"The crow was completely smashed," a police spokesman in Dortmund reported, adding that the feisty bird was recovering from a severe hangover in a local animal shelter.

Another Roundup Of Etiquette Tips

Your editor was pleased to see the positive response that followed quoting advice from Texas Bix Bender's excellent Cowboy Etiquette.

Many folks out there share for the people's admiration for cowboy traditions, so here are a few more pointers from that fine little book:

* "No whining."

* "If your job is ridin' drag in a roundup, don't try to take the point."

* "When you're camping on somebody else's spread, leave without a trace."

* "Don't break your arm reaching for the check, but don't sit on your hands either."

* "Beer is served in a bottle, but you can put it in a glass if you want to. Whiskey should never be drunk from the bottle unless there's no glass around or you've already had too much to drink." Neat!

Stephen Goode is a senior writer for Insight.