Constructing a new food triangle out of pork chops and beer

0 Comments | Insight on the News, June 24, 2002 | by Stephen Goode

The following purports to be a newspaper health-advice column in question-and-answer form. It was sent this way by a longtime friend of INSIGHT who got it from a friend who writes the humor column for the New Orleans Times-Picayune, who in turn got it from Ron Marr's most excellent monthly newspaper Troutwrapper, which can be seen at www.troutwrapper.com.

The credentials of this report having been authenticated, it most definitely is for the people's kind of health advice and this column intends to follow it to the letter. Of course, other folks may find its standards too demanding and opt to follow more traditional avenues to health, such as 10-mile jogs, hefting 300-pound weights and eating nothing but grapefruit and granola. So here it is:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green, leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body-fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1-to-1. If you have two bodies, your ratio is 2-to-1, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could more vegetables be bad for you?

STEPHEN GOODE IS A SENIOR WRITER FOR Insight.