Action Figures Are Fitting Legacy for Clinton's Cartoon Presidency

0 Comments | Insight on the News, July 30, 2001 | by Alan L. Anderson

Finally -- after almost nine years, an idea from the Clintonistas behind which I can really rally. According to the American Spectator Online's (ASO's) "Washington Prowler" while Bill Clinton was in Los Angeles recently, he met with Haim Saban. Saban is a top Democratic contributor, the chief executive officer of Fox Family Channel and, more importantly, the man who brought the Power Rangers to the United States.

According to ASO, after the meeting Clinton told aides he and Saban had discussed the possibility -- are you ready for this? -- of creating "a Bill Clinton action figure, which would be sold -- with accessories -- in the Clinton Library gift shop in Arkansas."

Of course, the marketing possibilities here are tremendous. I can imagine all sorts of editions and accessories for the doll. There could be the Bill Clinton "Man About Town" edition, on which the pants would drop whenever a female action figure comes close. Or there could be the Bill Clinton "Man Without a Backbone" edition that would wobble leftward until you bring the Dick Morris figure near it, at which point it would stand up center-straight. Or you could have the Bill Clinton "Man Who's Been Caught" edition. Its chin would jut forward and repeat endlessly, "I can't recall," and "It all depends on ...," while taking repeated sips from a Diet Coke can.

Marketing possibilities for the accessories alone could run into the billions. Fast-food chains, for instance, undoubtedly would outbid each other for rights to the Bill Clinton "Burger Joint" action set featuring a Formica booth, three "humongous burgers," seven extra-large orders of fries and four Diet Cokes.

Then there's the "Poll-Ratings Booster and Public-Attention Diversion" action set featuring the requisite 18 miniature, lifelike cruise missiles, plus a collection of abandoned huts and a peopled aspirin factory on which to use them. Imagine the hours of play your child will enjoy as he positions the president of the United States to blow up innocent people as the female action figures enter the Bill Clinton "Federal Courthouse" action set.

I know, I know. Sort of warms your heart's cockles with pride, doesn't it?

And let's not forget the money to be made on the complimentary action figures the Clinton doll will require. We'll need a "Hillary, Scorned Wife" figure with "realistic throwing motion" and a collection of breakable lamps and ashtrays. And we'll need the "James `the Snake' Carville" figure, who rants unintelligibly and spits actual venom when you pull his string. (Note to self: Test market the possibility that some soccer moms may object to potential health risks associated with the Carville doll spitting real poison. They didn't object during the 1990s, but maybe things have changed.)

Of course, we'll need the "Happy-Sad Joe Lieberman" doll. It will have one face on the front showing a pained, constipated expression that proclaims, "I am very saddened" when you push the nose. Another face on the back will possess a joyful, exuberant expression that says, "But I fully support this great president," when you push its nose.

I think we all know the toy line I describe never will be. I think we all know Clintonoids such as Saban have something very different in mind when they contemplate a Bill Clinton action figure. Something boring such as the Bill Clinton "Policy Wonk" action set in which Bill sits huddled with advisers over pizza as they debate the correct level at which CAFE standards should be set. Gee, what fun the kiddies will have with that.

And yet, despite this fact -- indeed, because of this fact -- I'm still fully supportive of the idea.

You see, I may be the only person in America -- left, right or center -- who never viewed Clinton as the "larger-than-life" character we were always told he was. To me, wolfing down an enormous quantity of gut-pack fast food doesn't indicate larger-than-life status. Consuming a seven-course meal complete with a fish and meat course while quaffing a variety of wines -- now there's gluttony; a "gargantuan appetite." Scarfing multiple burgers is just poor taste.

So a line of action figures would, in my view, provide the perfect representation of Bill Clinton and his presidency. They would exist solely to be marketed to the public. The person who purchased them could position them however he wanted -- much like his campaign contributors could with Bill. And, finally, they would be "smaller-than-life" -- just like the man, himself.

Other presidents undoubtedly dream of having their faces carved on Mount Rushmore. Somehow, a line of toy action figures seems more fitting for Bill Clinton.

Alan L. Anderson writes about politics and culture from Roanoke, Ill. He has published dozens of op-ed pieces in a variety of publications, including Insight, the Washington Times, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, the Peoria Journal-Star and New Oxford Review.