Intimacy Isn't All About Sex

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Sept 13, 1999 | by Julia Duin

Americans feel disconnected, say experts, who see new interest in old-style `intimacy.'

It's better than sex and it's more than just love. And according to a legion of columnists, therapists and pastors, Americans are starved for it. In the been-there-done-that nineties, people crave intimacy.

"Intimacy is the way people find happiness," writes Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of the recent book Kosher Sex. "Monogamy is required for intimacy to flourish."

Moreover, writes Boteach, "without modesty, there can be no intimacy.... Modesty dictates that there is a curtain that separates my private space from the rest of the world. Intimacy dictates that there are times when that curtain is raised by us in order to invite in a special person for exclusive and intimate acts."

Intimacy has its own cliche -- namely, that men fear it but women relish it. But fear of intimacy "runs almost like an epidemic through the lives of young women today," writes Boston psychotherapist Mira Kirschenbaum in her new book, Women & Love. "The keynote of fear of intimacy is that falling in love feels like bad news. When your heart sends you that letter that you're falling in love, it feels like you've gotten a letter from the IRS telling you they're auditing you."

Too much intimacy can be painful. Joyce Kovelman, a psychotherapist quoted on the www.cupidnet.com Website, says few people can be intimate and honest for more than a few moments at a time. "The more invested in a relationship, the harder it is to be honest," she writes. "The risk seems greater. Each of us is so used to being told `don't,' `shouldn't' `mustn't' and `can't,' and how we're supposed to be. It's no wonder that we hesitate to reveal our innermost ideas and needs."

The religious world has caught onto this felt need, with vocalists such as Carmen Licciardello promising fans that his music ushers one into "an exciting and intimate experience with our Creator." Late last year, Vineyard Music Group, a California-based company, released a CD titled Intimacy. "Intimacy is critical to a relationship with God," says VMG General Manager Alex MacDougall. "We don't sing about God; we sing to God."

MacDougall talks about the "disconnection" people feel today. "If a Christian has intimacy with God, it's a way of feeling connected," he says. "Most of the time, relationships with other people are devalued. People are selfish. They have no time.... People want to experience a deeper level of love for God. The response is a flooding of peace in your heart and in your mind. That is one of the key payoffs here."

Intimacy should be sought even in the working world, says Brian R. Smith, author of Beyond the Magic Circle: The Role of Intimacy in Business. He writes, "Choose your own work and your own feelings about it. Create a reality where your work serves as a vital extension of your celebration of your most intimate acts, thoughts and emotions.... Then and only then will you experience the intimate, quality reality available far above and beyond that offered by even the most exalted magic circles currently in vogue in American business."

That said, it must be noted that intimacy has a smell -- jasmine, Bulgarian rose, sandalwood and ylang-ylang -- as marketed by First Herb Shop. But its essence, alas, seems too often absent from daily life.

RELATED ARTICLE: But Americans Still Look for Love

Americans age 45 and older have not lost that "loving feeling," according to a study conducted by Modern Maturity, a publication of the American Association of Retired Persons, or AARP. The September/October issue, replete with a cover displaying sultry Susan Sarandon in a low-cut sweater, asks "Great Sex: What's age got to do with it?" and boasts a star-studded list of the 50 sexiest people older than 50.

According to the survey, the majority of middle-aged Americans -- people between the ages of 45 and 59 -- have sex at least once a week. And with a lifetime of memories behind them, most older adults find their partners even more attractive as they age.

"What we found out is that, yes, there is a sex life after 45 and that the graying of the boomer generation is having an enormous impact on how people think, feel and act in the bedroom," says Editor in Chief Hugh Delehanty. "We want to present the entire picture to our readers and let them know what this means for them."

The point of the survey, says Delehanty, was to examine basic myths. "The first is that people 45-plus aren't having sex," he says, "or that thanks to pharmacological treatments, people 45-plus are having lots of sex." Neither is true. Despite Viagra for men and hormone treatments for women, the survey found that frequency of sexual activity still declines with age. Only one in four Americans aged 75 or older has sex at least once a week.

But that doesn't stop the over-the-hill crowd from maintaining their sex appeal. The Top 50 Over 50 includes such notables as leggy singer Tina Turner, blue-eyed Paul Newman, the ageless Sophia Loren, the "Butt-Kicking Sexy" Pam Grier and Harrison Ford and the Vote-Getting Sexy" Republican Sen. John W. Warner of Virginia and Rep. Nancy Pelosi, a California Democrat.