More Isn't Merrier When Answering a Simple Question

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Oct 16, 2000 | by Stephen Goode

The following came to for the people from a friend via the Internet in response to a piece on why it takes 16,787 liberals to screw in a lightbulb (see "What Can You Accomplish With 16,000 Liberals?" Aug. 21). This spin on the light-bulb joke is a bit different, though, because it includes both Democrats and Republicans.

"How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Answer: 5,447 -- one to recognize the bulb needs changing and:

(*) 14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday-morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out;

(*) eight more White House aides to blame the previous administration;

(*) four major TV news anchormen to call the Republicans mean-spirited;

(*) 243 children to stand behind President Clinton as he explains the impact of burned-out lightbulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want children to grow up in darkness;

(*) one first lady to say changing the lightbulb takes a village;

(*) nine Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed lightbulbs;

(*) 15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it;

(*) 103 congressmen to tell us only Washington really knows how to change a lightbulb;

(*) one president to tell us that he feels our darkness, has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned-out lightbulbs and has vivid memories of bulbs burning out at critical moments during his childhood in Arkansas;

(*) 42 cruise missiles to defend against terrorism likely to be aimed at lightbulb factories;

(*) one campaign adviser to recommend the use of red lightbulbs;

(*) one vice president to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a lightbulb;

(*) two White House advisers to devise a tax on those who unfairly change their own lightbulbs, creating unemployment;

(*) one dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can't be pinned on the Republicans;

(*) one White House ghost who can retrieve the lightbulb files that no one else knows anything about; and

(*) 5,000 bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't have an impact on the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation and measures up to 1,965 specifications for lightbulbs.

On the other side of the aisle, however, the question of "How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" yields an answer of a piddling 441:

(*) 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;

(*) 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry;

(*) 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R and D;

(*) four to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage lightbulbs;

(*) nine to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;

(*) 53 to design a block grant so the states can hire local bureaucrats to change the bulb;

(*) 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead; and

(*) 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs or screwing anything on the Internet.