Doctors Note the Strangest Things…

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Nov 8, 1999 | by Stephen Goode

Ever wonder what those illegible notes might be that your doctor scribbles while he or she is asking you questions and making certain everything about you is ticking just right?

Alan Caruba of the National Anxiety Center has sent for the people a sampling of more than 30 of these notes that he's come across. Readers may enjoy the following 18 from among the best. They confirm this column's suspicion that even the most able physician isn't entirely alert every moment of his professional life:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

6. The patient refused an autopsy.

7. The patient has no past history of suicides.

8. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

9. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

11. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. Rectal exam revealed a normal-size thyroid.

15. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

16. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

17. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

18. And, lastly, for the people's favorite: Patient has two teen-age children, but no other abnormalities.