Merry Prankster Christmas Gifts

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Dec 25, 2000 | by James P. Lucier

A new catalog from an old company -- Johnson Smith -- offers a variety of offbeat (and low-cost) items that will bring out lots of laughter and surprise in kids of any age.

So you still are looking for that unusual gift, that special something, perhaps for the kids or grandma? Well, look no more. Perhaps Santa's helpers at the U.S. Postal Service already have delivered, in the annual deluge, the perfect catalog that will express your aspirations toward taste and sophistication. Forget Tiffany's. If you are lucky, as you wade through the pile, you will have found the catalog of the Johnson Smith Co.

Yes, the Johnson Smith Co., the one you remember from when the days before Christmas were long -- and in fact, any days were long -- after the moment in which you sent off in the mail to get the best in jokes, novelties and tricks. Founded in 1914 by an Australian, Alfred Johnson Smith, the eponymous mail-order firm sent its first package off from headquarters in Chicago, then moved to Detroit and, about 15 years ago, to Bradenton, Fla. Now its old catalogs are collector's items, fetching a fancy price on e-Bay auction sites. But you can get a brand-new one in the mail or by visiting the online store at www.johnsonsmith.com.

Kim Boyd, director of marketing for Johnson Smith, tells Insight that "it is the same company. The present proprietor has owned the company for 30 years, and he purchased it from the son of the original owner."

The company has expanded its line, including not only the old favorites but also a range of nostalgia items and higher-end supersleuth products. "We are really trying to put together a collection of items that are offbeat," says Boyd. "We have several different product categories. We try to offer, according to our slogan, `things that you never knew existed.' So our target market is a very broad age group. We still have a lot of children and teenagers and a lot of adults. We have older people who write and say that they are buying for their grandchildren, and `I remember when I ordered from you' So we really have a broad range of customers."

But lots of the old stuff still is offered. If you missed it when you were a kid or your mom wouldn't let you order one, there is still an opportunity to get that perennial favorite, the Whoopee Cushion, Item No. 2953, a bargain at only $1.49. Connoisseurs will be happy to know that the Joy Buzzer, a wind-up gizmo you hold in your palm when you shake hands with your unsuspecting victim -- Item No. 2955, $1.98 -- still is a big seller. And who could resist the Giant Comic Ears Set of 2, Item No. 4400, for only $1.987 It is believed that Ross Perot fans are major buyers for this item.

This reporter remembers a small boy in Detroit who, clutching a gift dollar in a sweaty hand and unable to wait for the drawn-out processes of snail mail, one sunny afternoon transferred on buses three times to arrive at the Johnson Smith warehouse, then on Jefferson Avenue facing the Detroit River. He raced up the dusty stairs, found the name on a door with frosted glass and opened it to find himself alone in a tiny anteroom. On the far wall were a window and a bell.

A crusty gent opened the window and was startled to find a representative of their client base eagerly waiting. Apparently it had seldom or never happened before.

"Please sir, I'd like a Spy Camera," the kid said, unfolding the bill. The gent grumped and disappeared down a role of shelving. "We usually don't sell anything here," he said when he returned, "but here it is." He plunked down a small brown paper package and closed the wicket.

Insight subscribers who are spies, at least part time, will be happy to know that the Spy Camera still is available, Item No. 21056, for a very reasonable $3.98, only four times what it cost back then (and it really was back then).

Spies can disguise themselves, too. For example, Billy Bob Teeth ("Teeth Only a Mother Could Love"), Item No. 11126, at $14.98, can undo, at least to the casual observer, thousands of dollars worth of dental braces in a trice. The price is a little higher than other items because the Billy Bob Teeth are "handcrafted in the U.S. [from] top-quality dental acrylic." If the Billy Bob Teeth are too much for your allowance, you can consider Buck Teeth, Item No. 11281, for $11.97. Even at that price, these are "form-fitting, movie-quality dentures."

Clearly, all these items would have instant appeal to any red-blooded 10-year-old lad or lassie. Why waste your money buying a kid an expensive electronic device such as Sony's PlayStation 2, so powerful that it's rumored to be able to launch nearby nuclear missiles accidentally? You can spread as much joy by buying your niece or nephew some Imitation Vomit, "made of plastic." That's Item No. 2636, only $1.98. "Place it by baby, dog, dinner table or pretend you've been sick." The more adventurous might slip it slyly on teacher's desk when her back is turned.

Almost every child would like to have The Giant Book of Insults, Item No. 4883, at $12. This is a book that would leave the Harry Potter series in the dust. Nay, it is a book that would be devoured, memorized and insinuated into daily conversation. It would be a life-changing experience for the avid reader, making any 110-pound weakling impossible to live with.