Box-office bore: Hollywood loves to make movies about sports heroes. The trouble is, most stink

0 Comments | Insight on the News, Feb 4, 2002 | by Mark Zuckerman

Movies and sports ... they're meant for each other. Both tell dramatic stories, are populated with good guys and bad guys, and play out in front of mass audiences at large venues. So why does it seem so hard to make a believable, entertaining movie about sports? There are notable exceptions, but for every Hoosiers there's a Replacements making its way to a theater near you.

We may never understand why Hollywood continues to make the same mistake over and over, but an examination of the worst sports films may shed some light on the subject and serve as a primer for wanna-be directors looking to make a big hit.

The Bad News Mighty Little Wildcat Ducks Bear Syndrome.

Hollywood loves to take a tried-and-true premise and remake it with a slight twist. Nowhere is this more painfully obvious than in that old standby of sports movies: ragtag kids team turns into a winner.

This may ring a bell. Down-and-out coach with a troubled past reluctantly agrees to take over a team full of miscreant kids (including, but not limited to, the shy one, the bad one, the fat one, the nerdy one, the token black and, occasionally, the female).

Said team, replete with embarrassing or uninspiring nickname (the Ladybugs, sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds), can't get anything right on the field/court/ice until the new coach somehow finds a way to unite them just in time for the big game against the hated rival (which has bigger players, better uniforms and a coach who will stop at nothing to win).

The usual side plot involves the shy kid who lives with his single mother and is in desperate need of a father figure. He decides to set up coach and mom, even though the two are reluctant. In the end, our little heroes win the big game, coach has a new outlook on life and young Billy has a new dad.

Note to Hollywood: It was funny the first time around in The Bad News Bears. It hasn't been since.

White Men Can't Jump (and Woody Harrelson can't shoot).

Not that it stopped Harrelson from firing up awkward-looking 3-pointer after awkward-looking 3-pointer. Nor did it prevent Kevin Costner from continuing his lifelong pursuit of convincing us he could have been a real ballplayer. In short, professional athletes generally don't make good actors, and professional actors generally don't make good athletes.

When a 45-year-old Costner short-arms a 62-mph fastball past a flailing batter in For Love of the Game, are we really to believe that he has just tossed a no-hitter against the Yankees? In a word: No. John Goodman seemed a natural choice to play the Sultan of Swat in The Babe, until he picked up a baseball bat and became the Sultan of Weak Grounder Back to the Mound. Tom Cruise as a NASCAR driver in Days of Thunder? Not even Goose and Iceman would buy that premise, Maverick.

To sum up: There's a reason it's so hard to become a professional athlete, folks.

How did the dog and little kid get on the field?

One of the most famous -- not to mention most ridiculed -- sports movies ever made was The Babe Ruth Story, starring William Bendix as the Bambino, released in 1948. In one scene, while taking batting practice, the Babe inadvertently whacks a shot off some kid's dog on the playing field (what those two were doing on the field at the time is anyone's guess). Never fear, though, 'cause here comes the Babe to the rescue. He grabs the dog and the kid, rushes them to the hospital (still in uniform, mind you) and yells at the nurse, "Get your best doctors in there in a hurry! I've got a sick dog!"

An entire thesis could be written on all that is wrong with this scene, but for these purposes the point is obvious: For a sports movie to be believable, it has to be ... that's right, believable. If a guy hits a baseball off the handle of the bat at a 45-degree angle to the ground, don't cut to a shot of a Spalding sailing over the 457-feet sign in center field. If a right-handed quarterback rolls left and throws across his body, physics prevents the ball from traveling 65 yards in the air and hitting a streaking receiver in stride. And if a 250-pound heavyweight lands a clean right uppercut to his opponent's jaw after 12 rounds of nonstop bloody torture in the ring, chances are the stricken boxer is going to fall to the mat, not counter with a left hook.

The game doesn't always come down to the final play. Sadly, they just don't seem to get it in Hollywood, because they just keep on making sappy movies (Rudy), violent movies (The Hurricane) and stupid movies with basketball-dunking dogs (Air Bud). They give us "Top Gun on the ski slopes" (the actual promo for Aspen Extreme) and the greatest basketball player of all time being guarded by Bugs Bunny (Space Jam). They give us lame comedies about women coaching football (Wildcats) and 12-year-olds coaching the Minnesota Twins (Little Big League). And when they run out of fresh ideas, they give us silly sequel (Major League II) after silly sequel (Caddyshack II) after silly sequel (D2: The Mighty Ducks).

Maybe this year someone will get it right and make an original sports movie with an all-star cast. But don't bet against the odds.