Retying the marriage knot: marriage is a life sentence of hard labor, but then again, what's a ball and chain for?

0 Comments | Insight on the News, August 18, 1997 | by Paula Gray Hunker

Marriage is a life sentence of hard labor, but then again, what's a ball and chain for?

Cinderella and the prince, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and Jasmine. The format has been drummed into us since childhood: Boy meets girl, overcomes some obstacles, they marry and live happily ever after. End of story.

But if we could peek past "ever after," would we find Cinderella nagging the prince to clean the palace? Or the Beast threatening to move out if Beauty's mother moves in? Or Aladdin and Jasmine in a funk because the magic has worn off that old carpet ride?

Most professional counselors agree that couples should be prepared to work through the rough spots of their marriages, but few couples have the tools to help them. "You absolutely do have to work at relationships," says Bernard Guerney, president of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancements. "There comes a point when the passions wane and reality sets in."

Despite depressing divorce statistics, there is much to be optimistic about on the marriage front says Diane Sollee, director of the Washington-based Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "I'm excited because here is a great approach that hasn't been widely tried yet," she says. "We have increasing divorce statistics because we have a whole country where everyone knows someone who went to therapy and still got divorced. People are bitter about therapy."

Marriage is not a disease, says Sollee, adding that the way to make a marriage last is to give partners the tools to work through problems in a positive way. "The difference between a healthy marriage and a troubled one is how they handle conflict," she says. Decades of research have shown that "couples who don't discuss things are the first to get divorced."

Mike and Harriet McManus are working to get couples talking openly and honestly. Their program, Marriage Savers, emphasizes a few simple points: Before marriage, couples need to remain chaste, learn communication skills and go through counseling that includes an in-depth survey to determine compatibility. To help them do this, Marriage Savers assigns them "mentor couples," most often a mature couple from their church who works with them during a four-month period and often remains in touch with the newlyweds.

"Marriage Savers is the closest thing I know to marriage insurance," says McManus, who lives in Bethesda, Md. Their "inventory questionnaire" often brings out marriage-threatening incompatibilities -- 10 percent of en gaged couples going through the program have called off the wedding.

"So much of dating is trying to hide your true self from each other for fear the other won't like what he or she sees," McManus says. "Couples then find that they never asked each other critical questions, such as do we want children or how do we handle finances."

The McManuses also are great proponents of Marriage Encounters, a weekend program that developed within the Catholic Church but has spread across denominations. An encounter weekend is actually a 44-hour program that stretches from Friday evening through late Sunday afternoon. Clergy and mentor couples teach various communication techniques and tools and then encourage couples to reflect on them -- and to use them in privacy.

"This is a crash course on how to communicate on a deeper level," says Ruth Saegasser, who with Lee, her husband of 37 years, coordinates such weekends in Northern Virginia. "It's important that people realize that this isn't group therapy or an encounter session, but it's very private and the couples don't interact with each other."

Saegasser says the experience is cumulative, with participants learning first how to communicate with themselves, then as couples and finally as couples in relationship to God and the rest of the world. "Mentoring is a powerful new tool," she says. "This is not just a good weekend experience but one that will help you grow in your relationship for the rest of your life."

The McManuses credit an encounter weekend as creating the foundation for their relationship today -- and for saving their marriage, which quietly was weakening without either partner knowing how to discuss the problems.

"This isn't rocket science," McManus says. "Your marriage is the most important thing in your life. If you believe that and if you're ready to work for it -- and it is hard work -- then you will succeed."