Holy waters!

"IF YOU DON'T have yourself a merry little Christmas, you might as well kill yourself," John Waters wrote in his essay collection Crackpot.

This year he's doing his part to liven up your holidays with "A John Waters Christmas," coming to Los Angeles as part of UCLA Live on December 9 and to Washington, D.C.'s 930 Club on December 21.

Both shows will feature Waters's inimitable stand-up comedy, and in Angeles he'll be ably backed by performance artist Extreme Elvis and lesbian icons Marga Gomez and Phranc. And in the spirit of John Waters and Christmas, The Buzz reminds you that when your daughter asks for cha-cha heels, you'd be wise to give them to her.

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