Marrying my ex-wife - Dr. Joy

My ex-wife and I are getting back together again after two years of divorce. We've been dating for a year and feel we're ready to start over. However, although we're more mature now, I'm still concerned that we'll fall back into the same damaging habits that ended the first marriage. How can we make this new commitment work?

While it's tempting to try to resurrect love after it goes all wrong, you've got a lot of work ahead of you, since second efforts don't often work out as the partners would hope. And there's a reason: Couples rarely pour more than a few weak drops of sweat into self-examination and the hard work of renewing a bond, which ensures that the same dynamics that caused the wreckage the first time will arise again. If you're betting on a happier ending, you can't rerun your old dramas. Instead, you'll have to be painfully honest with each other by dropping your defenses and fighting the urge to assign blame for past or current indiscretions.

Of course, you weren't able to manage those tricks before your divorce, so what makes you think you can do it now? That's not a rhetorical question--and neither are the five listed below. You and ex should consider them seriously, write down your answers, then share prejudice or defensiveness. Ask yourselves:

* Which of my actions and personality traits contributed to the difficulties in my marriage?

* What unrealistic expectations kept me from seeing and hearing my partner clearly?

* Which attributes do I need to cultivate to make this new relationship a success?

* What behaviors do I need to change to become a better partner?

* What strategies do I need to acquire to make those changes?

Your answers will tell you a lot about where you stand after a year of renewed dating. However, even if you think you've come a long way, it would be a mistake to go any further without the aid of a licensed therapist. Counseling will formalize your commitment to growth and help you slice through your most entrenched tendencies for relationship sabotage. A skilled therapist will also help both of you maintain perspective when the temptation to launch a "partner makeover" is too great for you to control.

And that's key. The moment either of you tries to train a spotlight on the other's behavior instead of your own, your odds of a successful reconnection begin to plunge.

When both of you take 100 percent of the responsibility for your relationship, that's a sign you might have bet the farm on a winner.

COPYRIGHT 2002 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group