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Men's Fitness, Jan, 2005 by Dan Nemet Nejat, Matt Coppa

Although reports of our planet hurtling toward a cataclysmic demise have been greatly exaggerated, there are indeed some pockets of strange occurrences out there. That's why every December, going all the way back to 2003, MF's team of news analysts looks back at the year that was, specifically focusing on our areas of expertise: fitness, health, nutrition, and sex. Then we select the most jaw-droppingly, eye-poppingly bizarre moments in an effort to gauge the state of the world. Our findings? If these stories are any indication, 2005 should be a bumpy frickin' ride.

WHEN PENIS MET VAGINA

GERMANY -- A local couple went to a fertility clinic here in Lubek when they were unable to have children. After a battery of tests showed they were both fertile, doctors finally discovered the problem: The ultra-religious pair had never had sex and had no idea how it was done. "We're not talking about retarded people here," said one doctor of the husband, 36 and wife, 30. "They were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate." This discovery also helped clear up a lot of the problems the not-so-bright couple were having earlier with their toaster.

THE UNKINDEST CUT

ROMANIA -- An older gentleman in the southeastern village of Galati will wince every single time he hears the phrase "choke the chicken" for the rest of his God-forsaken life. Constantin Mocanu, 67, made the very uncommon error of mistaking his penis for the neck of a chicken and sliced the organ off. Adding insult to painful injury, the man's dog charged the chopped-off appendage and--uh, yeah--ate it. Apparently the fowl had been consistently interrupting his sleep at night with its clucking and such, so Mocanu ran into his yard in his underwear and made his fateful stab at stupidity. The irony here: The dog is believed to have thought, "Tastes like chicken."

CRITICS' PICK

AUSTRIA -- Got a hunger pang and can't find a vending machine? Good news: A healthy snack is waiting for you right under your nose. Actually, er, in it. An Innsbruck doctor claimed that picking your nose and eating it is actually good for you because the dead bacteria in boogers can strengthen your immune system. "When this mixture arrives in the intestines," said Friedrich Bischinger, a lung specialist, "it works just like a medicine." Bischinger also said parents should encourage their offspring to get in there and pick out a winner. Damn if that little booger-eating nerd from fifth grade wasn't right again!

HUNG JURY

IOWA -- A Davenport woman testified in defense of her husband against charges of indecent exposure. Doug Neece's wife explained that her husband's penis was too small to be seen by his alleged victim, a female postal worker, who was 35 feet away. The jury convicted him anyway, and he will be placed on the state's sex-offender registry. We hear it's a short list. Zing!

COOL BEANS

PARIS -- Overheated testes can lead to sterility. Good thing a Bosnian inventor came up with the world's first "self ventilating and thermo-regulating underpants," which were designed to help your boys swim as well as Michael Phelps. Dragan Tadic, who won a gold medal here at an inventors' exhibit for the skivvies claims his Adam's Leaf briefs will "revolutionize" the underwear industry. Sounds like they just might cold-cock the competition.

KIDNEY STONED

INDIA -- Doctors in Ahmedabad worked overtime removing 728 kidney stones from a man's right kidney. The patient, Mangilal Jain, had complained for years about the pain but had no idea how many stones he had jammed in there. In fact, operating surgeon Dileep Shah said, "The stones just kept tumbling out and the staff were busy counting for two hours." Hey, collectors: Look for them on eBay real soon.

NET JOB

UNITED KINGDOM -- It's hard to meet women in bars, and prostitutes can be rather iffy. So a British teenager went another route when he wanted to pop his cherry: David Vardy, 19, auctioned off his virginity on the Internet. The Bournemouth University student received more than 7,000 hits from women around the world, and bids reached nearly $11,000. "The ideal situation would be if it was a really nice woman," said Vardy. He'll be lucky, in fact, if it's not a middle-aged stockbroker in Cleveland named Carl.

TOO FAT TO FUNK

HONG KONG -- Think you need to lose a few? The pandas in captivity in China are so bloated, they're having trouble mating. Let's repeat that. They're so damned fat, they're having trouble mating. "They're fat," said Tang Chunxiang, a panda expert. "And they run out of gas quickly after standing up to have sex." Now China is developing a fitness program for the endangered chunky critters. Step one: No more junk bamboo.

I LOVE EWE, BABY

SCOTLAND -- Pfizer is considering a request from the Scottish Parliament to donate Viagra to shepherds in the Highlands. Scottish MP Jamie McGrigor, who made the request, believes the drug is needed to help the Scots overcome an alarming decrease in their population--the number of Scots in the Highlands could drop to below 200,000 by 2017. While Scottish women are pleased with the development, the country's sheep have lodged a formal protest.