2003 Ad

Men's Fitness, Jan, 2005 by Dan Nemet Nejat, Matt Coppa

DOING IT DOGGY STYLE

GERMANY -- Artist Karl-Friedrich Lentze petitioned Hamburg authorities for permission to set up a massage parlor for animals. "Dogs enjoy erotic massages just as well, he claimed. The annoying Lentze had previously petitioned beleaguered Teutonic officials to set up a restaurant that served cakes made of breast milk and soups containing urine; to establish a cabaret for dogs; to be buried with a sex doll; and to be fed to piranhas when he passes away. If German officials get their wish, the fish will be fed soon.

PILL HELPS APPEARANCE

ARIZONA -- What's not to love about Barbie? She's thin, tan, and, from what our sources tell us, an easy lay. Now there's a drug that can help men and women achieve those three admirable qualities. Melanotan started out as a skin-cancer drug developed at the University of Arizona in Tucson. But researchers soon dubbed it the "Barbie drug" when they noticed its side effects were tan skin, weight loss, and increased sex drive. Next up for the research squad: developing a hair-growth pharmaceutical called the "Elmo tablet."

ORGASM ADDICTS

NORTH CAROLINA -- Doctors have always been considered good catches, but now there's a Winston-Salem anesthesiologist who is upping the ante by giving women as many orgasms as they can handle. For $17,000, Dr. Stuart Meloy, of Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants, will implant a permanent electrode under a woman's skin in her back near her spine with an accompanying remote control to activate the device. The result: orgasms on demand. Finally--a remote control that women can have all to themselves!

HONG KONG PHOOEY

HONG KONG -- When a Hong Kong civil servant bought a tube of toothpaste in Kowloon, he was given a free DVD from the Health Department on oral hygiene. But when the Wong family popped in the disc--one of 60,000 copies the government distributed--they were instead treated to pornographic images of young women hovering over toilets in a fetishist film entitled Unfold the Secrets of Girls Urinating. Ironically, the family's oral hygiene improved dramatically.

YEAR OF THE RAT

CHINA -- A 50-year-old Chinese woman from southwest China's Chongqing Municipality drank rat urine to boost her sex drive but got an unexpected surprise. After imbibing the rodent pee, Yang Qunying wound up in the hospital with swollen breasts. Apparently, a Chinese old wives' tale promises that drinking rat weewee nourishes the kidneys and therefore winds up the ol' libido. What a moron--if you want to get in the mood for love, you're supposed to drink dog piss.

MINOR THREAT

VIRGINIA -- There's a growing problem in the Old Dominion State, and it involves men having sex with underage girls. The situation is so dire, apparently, that the Virginia Department of Health has launched a campaign to remind men here that this is a bad thing. The campaign involves billboards, cocktail napkins, and coasters emblazoned with gentle warnings, like "Isn't she a little young?" or "Sex with a minor--don't go there." Since the campaign was introduced, prom attendance in the state has plummeted, and the local Jerry Springer booker has been let go.