High-tech dating: one man's exploration of the brave and often strange new world of finding the right woman - Sexuality

Men's Fitness, Dec, 2002 by Ben Kallen

For single guys out there, today's dating options go way beyond the old-fashioned circle of bars, nightclubs, parties and Enrique Iglesias concerts. Even as the Internet/communications revolution was destroying the stock market, it happened to create lots of new ways for men and women to connect with each other. As a result, blind dating isn't just for geeks and losers anymore (well, not entirely, anyway). Whether you're looking for a fling, a long-term relationship, or just someone willing to sit through that Armenian martial arts movie with you, you now have a greater chance of finding someone.

How well can these services match up a single guy with the woman of his fantasies? We sent Tom, a 31-year-old Los Angeleno whose intelligence and wit was surpassed only by his lack of a social life, on a quest to find his perfect high-tech match. Here's what he found out.

METHOD:

ALTERNATIVE-NEWSPAPER PHONE PERSONALS

Where you'll find them: In your local free weekly, somewhere between the left-wing political commentary and ads for full-body massage therapists.

How they work: You send in a personal ad describing yourself and what you're looking for (often, the first 20 words or so are free). Then you call a telephone service and record a message. If a woman wants to contact you after reading your ad, she calls a pay-for-use number (usually around $2 per minute), listens to your message, and leaves one of her own with her phone number. You call her back.

Our man's experience: "I thought about my ideal woman and described her, then gave a slightly idealized but generally honest description of myself--all in 19 words. Called the number and recorded a welcoming message in my deepest, friendliest-sounding voice. Over the next week, seven women responded. Three seemed to be generically answering every ad in a certain age range; two set off my `weirdo alert'; one gave the impression she was a prostitute; and one seemed sort of close to what I was looking for. I called her back three days later, and she was literally furious that I had taken so long. I hung up." Good dates: zero.

The bottom line: Ten years ago, these papers were a good bet for urban dwellers looking to meet. But now with so many other methods to choose from, the talent pool using this one is shrinking fast. These ads appear best for someone who's extremely undiscriminating, has "alternative" sexual tastes (if you need to ask what they are, you don't have them), or is a "generous sugar daddy looking for a prime hottie to spoil."

METHOD: ETHNICOR INTEREST-BASED PHONE PERSONALS

Where you'll find them: In specialized newspapers found in ethnic stores and restaurants, or in churches and synagogues.

How they work: Same as the other newspaper personals, except it's assumed that you and the people who respond to you are likely to be a member of the ethnic or religious group the paper targets.

Our man's experience: "Took out an ad in a local paper catering to my religious group (let's say Zoroastrianism). Of nine calls, four seemed, well, desperate. Another was from a woman's mother looking to set her daughter up with a nice guy--without telling her. Four had some promise. I ended up going out with three of them, liked two of those, and ended up dating one for several months." Good dates: two.

The bottom line: On the plus side, you already have something in common with the women you'll meet, and shared interests can help keep a relationship together over the long term. On the minus, some women will use these ads to find someone their parents will approve of even as they continue shagging the inappropriate bad boys they continue to meet in bars. In the end, it's a crapshoot: If you're lucky, you'll meet someone cool enough--and hot enough--to make the whole thing worthwhile.

METHOD: COMPUTER-DATING SITES

Where you'll find them: Get a recommendation from a friend with similar preferences, or browse the Web.

How they work: In most cases, you set up a profile of yourself, answering questions and writing essays--finally, all those years of "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" pay off. Sending in a digital photo will elicit a lot more responses. You can usually search women's profiles for free--but if you actually want to send one of them an e-mail, you'll need to buy a membership for about $20 to $30 per month.

Our man's experience: "Spent a long time crafting answers to profile questions and sent in a digital snapshot. Since my basic description of who I was looking for brought back hundreds of responses, I spent hours narrowing them down to 19 actual prospects. Sent each one personal e-mails. Got back nine e-mail replies and two "no thank you" messages; the rest never responded either way. That's batting around .473. Of the nine, e-mailed back and forth some more and eventually got phone numbers from five of them--which brought the batting average down to .263. After talking on the phone, met four for coffee (.210). Three of them were pleasant and attractive in person, but one looked like she had aged 10 hard years since the photo she sent was taken. Asked two out again." (Final batting average:. 105.) Good dates: two.