Naughty gifts gone wrong! A well-spent, crisp $100 bill is the only difference between failure and success when three readers try to buy their girlfriend's fantasies

Men's Fitness, Dec, 2003 by Marti Zimlin

A WISE MAN once said, "Men only know about romance ... what women tell them." Just why such an all-knowing man was borderline illiterate remains a mystery. But his words hold true nonetheless. So what happens when guys are left to figure it out on their own? When they get no sensible guidance from women? We gave three Men's Fitness readers $100 each and sent them out in search of the perfect sexy gifts, then asked Suzi Parker, a wise person herself (and author of Sex in the South), to rate their buys. Learn from their mistakes ... or learn to love your hand.

CONTESTANT JASON

AGE 30

FROM STATEN ISLAND, NEW YORK

ITEM PADDLE

HE SAID Give a girl a good whack with the hard side, then caress with the leopard fur.

SHE SAID When a boy pulls out a paddle, he may as well have "I'VE WATCHED TOO MUCH PORN" tattooed on his face. [check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM WAND

HE SAID It has many uses.

SHE SAID Not a bad choice, and especially interesting when one's partner is good at listening or taking direction. But beware of opened sex-toy containers. Like this one.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM LUBE

HE SAID This kind is vegan and contains no animal products, so all the chicks should dig it.

SHE SAID Your Vegi-Delight is far from a name-brand, but that is of less concern to most ladies. Good job.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM STUDDED CONDOMS

HE SAID They have all the benefits of a "ring" without the sideshow aspect.

SHE SAID File "studded condoms" in the same category as "tiger-striped briefs" and mirrors on the ceiling.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM MASK AND A MOVIE

HE SAID Good to get the juices flowing.

SHE SAID Two kinds of porn exist: films for couples and ones for you. Guess which this is.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

3RD PLACE His heart was in the right place, but his mind was in his mistress's dungeon.

CONTESTANT MIKE

AGE 32

FROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

ITEM CHOCOLATE SYRUP

HE SAID It's an icebreaker.

SHE SAID Another prop as old as time. Warm it up. Don't pour cold goo on her like a horny doofus.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM GUMMY PANTIES

HE SAID More reasonable than gummi worms.

SHE SAID Acceptable. Note: Give warning so she can groom for the occasion.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM DIRTY DICE

HE SAID Every side is oral for me!

SHE SAID Too one-sided. Couples' dice exist.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM KAMA SUTRA OIL

HE SAID A rubdown after "dirty dice"!

SHE SAID Who doesn't like a massage?

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM FISHNETS AND PANTIES

HE SAID Fishnets will get any party started. Panties are romantic.

SHE SAID Fishnets are cool--you can tear them strategically. But these panties are 70% nylon and 30% lycra. No way.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM TEASER

HE SAID It could put some buzz in the bed.

SHE SAID This is the boldest buy of the bunch. Bravo!

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

2ND PLACE He proved himself to be creative, if somewhat kinky and orally fixated.

CONTESTANT DAVID

AGE 28

FROM AUSTIN, TEXAS

ITEM EDIBLE UNDERWEAR

HE SAID It's like a fruit roll-up with a very nice surprise inside. Who wouldn't like that?

SHE SAID Yeah, the standard novelty item for the man with no imagination.

[check] DENIED. [] CHA-CHING!

ITEM LUBE

HE SAID Look, it's supersize!

SHE SAID Just don't spring it on her. Let her know you've got it, or she'll freak when she spots it. P.S.--Even a gay army wouldn't need a bottle that big.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM DEAR DUCKY CD

HE SAID And you thought that Playstation-on-crack Neptunes beat for "Light Your Ass on Fire" was hot.

SHE SAID This is a very niche fetish. Not for mass appeal, but nonetheless acceptable.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM FEATHER AND TANGERINE DUST

HE SAID The tangerine smell reminds me of strippers--I like that.

SHE SAID Give this boy a gold star! This proves he's not afraid of foreplay.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

ITEM ADULT FILM

HE SAID Maybe with the right company, it'll look safe to throw in and start a swingfest.

SHE SAID Porn like this gives her a chance to laugh. It's the perfect choice if you're trying to nudge her in that direction.

[] DENIED. [check] CHA-CHING!

1ST PLACE Edibles aside, most women would be pleased to get his pleasure pack.