'Tis the season for pleasin': a stocking full of holiday gifts you may want to keep for yourself

Men's Fitness, Dec, 2003 by Michael Cahlin

REMEMBER WHEN Tickle Me Elmo was all the rage and every child under 12 deprived of the seizure-ridden toy went into convulsions too? Grownups don't put quite as much emphasis on gifts or so they'd have you believe. Stabilize your loved ones this season by giving one of these wonders.

THIN IS IN

GATEWAY 17-INCH LCD TELEVISION

Lightweight, ultra-thin, astonishing picture, Gateway's widescreen 17-inch LCD TV features a built-in digital--not analog--tuner and speakers perfect for personal viewing or monitored to a PC. Cool "picture-in-picture" lets you watch The Shield while Web surfing or word-processing. $699, gateway.com, 800-369-1409

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JAVA JAMBAROO

HAMILTON BEACH BREWSTATION

Build a '68 Barracuda! Learn to dance flamenco! Speak in Esperanto! Don't have that much time? The BrewStation shaves precious seconds from your hectic schedule by dispensing coffee at the touch of a button. It also stores it in a thermal-insulated tank instead of a glass pot, which means your joe will stay fresh longer. Just imagine what you could accomplish in a day after 12 fresh cups. $50, hamiltonbeach.com, 800-851-8900

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DOWN LOW

PHILIPS STREAMIUM MC-1250

Internet music junkies, rejoice! This mini-system not only connects to a zillion free (and fee) online music channels without the use of a computer, but it also wirelessly plays the MP3s you already have on your PC. Steal from the recording industry in style and bring it with you when you're on the run. $400, audio.philips.com, 800-531-0039

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SAY, "AHHH"

SONICARE ELITE 7500 TOOTHBRUSH

No one will ever be able to stop the forward march of toothbrush technology. No one. The Sonicare cleans your choppers with sound waves that produce 31,000 brush strokes per minute. This souped-up model has dual speeds, push-button control options, and a two-minute timer that beeps every 30 seconds as a reminder to move on. Even if you've got nowhere else to go. $139.99, sonicare.com, 800-682-7664

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MAGIC BOX

PIONEER DVR-810H DVD RECORDER

Ignorant of the time-twisting TV goodness that is TiVo? Then this one's really going to boggle your outdated Amish brain: a DVD recorder with built-in TiVo. Not only can you record up to 80 hours of programming onto a massive hard drive, but you can also transfer shows to an endless supply of DVDs. Get your brain wired for cable and you're in business. $1,200, pioneerelectronics.com, available at Best Buy and Circuit City, 800-421-1404

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SNOW BOMB

THE AIRBOARD

Looking for new ways to hurt yourself? Who isn't? Masochist. But have you ever considered shooting down a slope on a glorified raft with handles? Neither had we--but here it is. This bad boy's tough enough to keep working long after you lose feeling in your legs. Boo-ya! $159.00, airboard.com, 011-41-41-769-30-00

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NICE CATCH

COOPSPORT GRIPTION FOOTBALL

Passing around the pigskin shouldn't be humiliating. So grab the CoopSport Gription Football. It's outfitted with sticky ink-gel decorations that make it easy to grip, catch, and throw. $14.99, coopsport.com, 800-554-1447

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ROAD HOG

DURATRAX NITRO-FUELED MAXIMUM MT CAR CRUSHER

Screw those battery-powered toys built for your living room--you'll need to stop by Chevron to make this gas-powered ogre growl. The MT is a 1/10-size replica of a real monster truck, with state-of-the-art performance and handling. Put on the decals, take off your shirt, grab some Pabst, and it's a monster-truck extravaganza in your own backyard. Tonkas, beware. $320, duratrax.com, 217-378-8970

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DAS BOOTS

DALBELLO AVANTI V-8 SKI BOOTS

Fresh mountain air, blue skies, jumping moguls with friends. Good times. If only you didn't feel like gnawing off your gangrenous feet. Enter Dalbello's TruFit Innerboot, which uses a "HeatMachine" to mold the inner boot around your foot, ankle, and calf in 15 minutes. The custom-fitted feel is so pleasant, you'll want to wear 'era to dinner. Especially if you like to eat dinner in ski clothes. $425, dalbellosports.com, 800-775-8100

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INSANE IN THE BRAIN

AQUA SPHERE AQUA FM SNORKEL

Why spend your time under the sea listening to whales hump when you can hear Axl Rose moaning just as easily? This snorkel's radio mouthpiece sends sound vibrations through your molars and jawbone to your inner ear--giving you the sensation that Axl's actually singing in your head! We've been hearing voices for a while now--it's really not as scary as it sounds. $129, aquasphereusa.com, 877-643-3483

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SHOOT LIKE A PRO

JVC GR-HD1 HIGH-DEFINITION CAMCORDER

Why should big-name directors with their blockbuster budgets be the only ones who get to make great-looking movies? Besides their proven track record, talent, schooling, and ambition? The GR-HD1 records three times more visual information than standard digital video camcorders. Perfect for shooting prize-winning "bat-to-groin" mini-dramas. $3,500, jvc.com, 800-252-5722