The MF mistress: your girl on the side, Sarah Hedley, on the only sport that matters

Men's Fitness, Jan, 2004 by Sarah Hedley

My girlfriend "gushed, for the first time. I've always wanted her to orgasm like that, but it kind of smelled like cat urine. And it embarrassed both of us. Is that normal?

--ED, SANTA CRUZ, CA

It's entirely normal for sex to embarrass. It's messy, noisy, and smelly, but we get over that because it feels oh so good. Now for the science: It's generally agreed that the fluid in female ejaculate is NOT urine. Instead, it's thought to come from the Skene's glands (a mass of tissue surrounding the urethra) ... to date, there is no definitive report on how it should smell, but we doubt Chanel will be bottling it any time soon.

I just started shaving my chest, but my girlfriend says she doesn't like the stubble--in fact, she says it's worse than my face. I know she doesn't like hair, but I don't want to wax. What do I do?

--SEAN, LOVELAND, CO

If I were in your shoes, I'd do the manly thing and tell my girlfriend to live with it. But then again, she might grow a mustache in retaliation. To remove unwanted curls from your chest (or any other part of your body), I suggest photoepilation, or laser treatment, as it's commonly known. Hirsute areas are zapped with something that wouldn't look out of place in Star Wars. It feels like being cracked with a whip, but us Brits enjoy that kind of thing. It's more expensive than waxing, but as results are often permanent, it's a better value. Thing is, what happens if your next girlfriend finds bald-chested men too pre-pubescent to the touch?

A friend started an office rumor that I'm huge. Now the hot receptionist at the front desk is gagging for me. How can I not disappoint her when I know I can't live up to the rep?

--ADAM, OIL CITY, PA

Like all men, you probably dream of wielding a large love saber, but I hate to say it--that would only impress other men. I once dated a guy with more than his fair share, and it limited the number of positions we could wriggle into. The standard six inches is really much more fun. To avoid disappointing your lady, impress her not with the length of your staff, but with the length of time you spend lunching at the Lazy Y.

I want to please my lady even when I'm not around. If I get a dildo made in my likeness, will it make her happy?

--MATT, COLUMBUS, OH

In my experience, mold-your-owns are a great way for women to compare their men's appendages without their men knowing about it. If that doesn't concern you, making penile casts as a couple can be a bonding experience. But then, so can baking a cake--and you'd lose fewer pubic hairs in the process.

Sarah can sort you out. Send your questions to MF Mistress, c/o Men's Fitness, 1 Park Ave., 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10016.

Long-time sex columnist for the U.K. paper The Sun and numerous other men's magazines, SARAH HEDLEY shares her carnal knowledge with you in "The MF Mistress" (page 32), answering questions ranging from the standard to the hopelessly sick. "I've gone for the slightly strict, no-nonsense British approach, referring to my own experiences," says Hedley, whose seven years' background in covering the dirty stuff includes a column in British Cosmo. "Expect more sex next time!" We will!!