Reviews on 'Roids! The reviews, not the reviewer

Men's Fitness, Feb, 2004

Why have geeks rate the latest in home entertainment when we could get Randy "Macho Man" Savage to snap into it like a Slim Jim? Better yet, we let 'em all fight it out.

GAMES

SYPHON FILTER: THE OMEGA STRAIN, PS2

THE GEEKS SAY: Tired of killing scientists? The newest installment in the series pits you against terrorists. Just as gory as ever, but with a four-player mode, teamwork is now put to the test.

--SETH BILAX

RANDY SAYS: I love the characters in this game. They've got more courage than Hogan. That means a lot to me.

RISE TO HONOR, PS2

THE GEEKS SAY: Inspired by the cinematic stylings of Hong Kong action movies, Rise to Honor is visually stunning. Still, it's more than a fighting game; there's some serious plot here. But with one too many characters and ever-shifting alliances, it's more frustrating than Chinese handcuffs.--SB

RANDY SAYS: What's going on? Am I supposed to stop a rape here or something? This is way too confusing.

NFL FEVER 2004, Xbox

THE GEEKS SAY: Remember Britney's bizarre arm-sock? Yeah, the half-time show is cool, but this thing puts even that to shame. Variable game speeds and super-advanced graphics make it the best gridiron recreation since Madden drew X's and O's on the screen.--SB

RANDV SAYS: I love football. I played in high school. I was a linebacker on defense and a quarterback on offense. If I hadn't gone into pro baseball after I graduated, I would have gone into football.

DVDs

BULLETPROOF MONK

THE GEEKS SAY: A Chinese monk trains a smart-ass pickpocket to become the guardian of a mystical scroll. Extras: deleted scenes and alternate ending.--DEAN BRIERLY

RANDY SAYS: There's a message in this movie: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do ... and so does Hogan. I punked him out in my song "Be a Man," but we got word from his camp that under no circumstances would he fight me for real, because he's a coward. I may be nuts--but I'm the head cashew. He better remember that.

THE HOWLING

THE GEEKS SAY: After nearly becoming serial-killer fodder, a newscaster goes on a rural retreat to heal the hurt, only to run smack into a colony of horny werewolves. Creepy and sexy. Bonus deleted scenes and "making of" documentary.--DB

RANDY SAYS: I'm not really into scary movies, but they're cool once in a while. This one's all right.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

THE GEEKS SAY: When Air Force One crashes inside the prison of Manhattan, ex-con Snake Plissken is sent in to rescue the Man before the inmates terminate his presidency. Not as good as it sounds. Extras include a previously unseen opening.--DB

RANDY SAYS: A contemporary of mine, Ox Baker, a wrestler, is in this movie. I know it's not the greatest, but I was entertained.

CDS

DEFAULT, Elocation, TVT

THE GEEKS SAY: It's been almost two years since The Fallout, but not much has changed. Slicker production work and more complex writing make things more interesting.--SB

RANDY SAYS: Attitude--I like it. I like people who take a chance and say what's on their mind.

CHARIZMA AND PEANUT BUTTER WOLF, Big Shots, Stones Throw

THE GEEKS SAY: Underground hip-hop at its best. Peanut, one of the world's best DJs, breathes new life into previously unreleased tracks conceived in collaboration with MC Charizma, his now-deceased partner.--QUINCY ROSKO

RANDY SAYS: Props for the name. I could see myself listening to this before a workout--but not the workout itself.

TELEFON TEL

AVIV, Map of What Is Effortless, Hefty

THE GEEKS SAY: Since their debut, the pair's remixed everyone from NIN to Eminem. For their second outing on their own, electronic meets cream-funk and a 30-piece orchestra for an album that's hard to define.--SB

RANDY SAYS: It's a slow buildup. Maybe they're going to get somewhere, but I'm not that patient.

HOOBASTANK,

The Reason, Island

THE GEEKS SAY: They had hit singles and the opening slot at Guns N' Roses' Japanese gigs, so why don't you know them? You will. The heavier songs are heavier than anything they've done before, and the softer bits are lighter. Once again, they mesh muscular rock with melodic finesse.--SB

RANDY SAYS: I like the beat, but it reminds me of Hulk Hogan's leg drop. Slow, but once it drops, it drops. Hard.

BONUS REVIEW

MACHO MAN,

Be a Man, Big 3

THE GEEKS SAY: We'd always wondered what would happen if Weird Al juiced up and took to rapping about a feud no one cared about. Just kidding. Please don't hurt us, Randy.--QR

RANDY SAYS: When we laid down these tracks, I didn't do it to punk out Hogan. I just wanted to express myself through music. But I had 12 songs down and one to go, and figured with the last one, lets cross the T's and dot the I's on Hogan being a coward. Let's see what he has to say about that. I may be a nut, but I'm the head cashew.

RATINGS SYSTEM

(Based on the geeks' and Randy's combined opinions)

Avoid at all costs Leave it in its wrapper.

OK Only if you're hungry.

Good Worth sinking your teeth into.

Great Awesome. A tasty treat.

A must-buy Snap into it!