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Gratuitous horoscope: earthy double-talk and babble arranged by month - In the Stars

Men's Fitness, Feb, 2004

CAPRICORN

(December 22-January 19) Expect a shock, such as a big announcement at work or a kidney punch. Or a co-worker announcing, "I'm gonna kidney-punch you." There's a full moon in Aries, and it makes you kind of hungry.

AQUARIUS

(January 20-February 18) You think your bosses don't notice you, but they do. This month your efforts finally pay off, in the form of your check. Don't be surprised if you find the net amount "magically" deposited directly into your bank account!

PISCES

(February 19-March 20) With Mercury in retrograde, you realize that "Mercury in Retrograde" would be a really cool name for a band. Perfect for an artistic type like you! Too bad you lost both your arms in that thresher accident.

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ARIES

(March 21-April 19) This month, Aries, you can do no wrong. If you've been wanting a raise or a trannie, just ask! Also this month, Jupiter moves through your solar sector, totally blocking your sun. Jupiter blows.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20) An office romance heats up, unless you don't work in an office, in which case some other romance may heat up. Beware: Dating someone at work could spell trouble, especially if your girlfriend finds out.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 21) Geminis tend to jump headfirst into new endeavors and rainwater-filled quarries, and you're no exception. Just remember to check the depth, or at least have a fellow Gemini jump in first.

CANCER

(June 22-July 22) Avoid that guy at the gym who's always asking you to hold his ankles down. Especially if he asks in the shower. Venus moves into Scorpio late this month, but it has absolutely no effect on anything.

LEO

(July 23-August 22) You have even more going for you than usual this month, and as a Leo you're an outgoing person anyway-so get out and get going! But first put on a different shirt. That one looks girly.

VIRGO

(August 23-September 22) Get busy, Virgo--you're oozing with creativity this month! Or so it will seem, until a doctor diagnoses chlamydia, which will explain not just the oozing but also that burning drive of yours.

LIBRA

(September 23-October 22) With energy from Neptune in your romance sector, now is the time to approach that certain someone you've been eyeing from afar. Your charisma has never been higher! Oh, wait--it just plummeted again. Never mind.

SCORPIO

(October 23-November 21) Feeling restless, Scorpio? It stands to reason, what with your natural inclination to travel and with Mars in your seventh house of rental cars. Indulge your wanderlust with a short trip. Three days, unlimited smileage!

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22-December 21) Romance is in the air, Sagittarius, so breathe deep! Love and sex take on a new dimension, assuming you're able to make the leap from pictures of women to the real thing.--ENLIGHTENMENT BY MARK "I GOT STARS IN MY PANTS" REMY

COMING SOON

BENCH BIG, WESTSIDE-STYLE

Want to work out with the strongest guys in the country? Hop a plane to Westside Barbell in Columbus, Ohio. Or just buy the magazine next month, which is a hell of a lot easier. We'll share their bench-press secrets with you in this four-week program. You'll be benching 20-50 more pounds in no time--guaranteed!

TOP PICKS FOR YOUR PANTRY

Save time and money with our quintessential grocery-shopping list of must-have foods. We'll tell you what to eat when you want to energize your morning meetings or heal your worked-out muscles, so you can free up your schedule to do even more productive things. Like eating.

INSIDE GOD'S FAVORITE GYM It's probably harder to get into the Lord's Gym than heaven itself. MF takes you inside this exclusive health club, where gentiles pray and powerlift to the blaring of Christian rock. Can we get an Amen?

NOT ENOUGH? YOU'LL ALSO GET ...

>> Get wet with the world's sexiest kayaker

>> The best athletic clothes of the season

>> The 50 greatest movie lines--learn them and win!

>> And much more ... all in the pages of MF.

Gratuitous horoscope: earthy double-talk and babble arranged by month - In the Stars

Men's Fitness, Feb, 2004

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