Dr. Joy: harmless little lies

Men's Fitness, April, 2003 by Joy Davidson

Q I'm maintaining a secret platonic relationship with an old girlfriend with whom I have a lot in common. It's secret because my wife is opposed to my having any contact with her whatsoever. However, my ex and I are both lawyers, and I greatly value her friendship and advice. I'm not interested in anything physical; my previous relationship with my ex made it clear that we're sexually incompatible. Is it okay to keep harmless secrets from my wife?

A "HARMLESS SECRETS" rank among the world's most underappreciated relationship wreckers. Maybe there really are some harmless secrets, just like there really is "airline cuisine"--if you're flying the Concord.

SO, FOR THE RECORD, a harmless secret is when you don't tell your sweetie that:

* You watch The Man Show when she isn't home.

* She should actually thank your secretary for her Valentine's Day roses.

* You flirt (harmlessly!) with the cute little blonde who runs the latte stand in your office lobby.

I'M ALL FOR PLATONIC relationships between men and women--even exes--but a secret relationship with an ex is about as harmless as a pet scorpion, especially in the face of your wife's antipathy toward the scorpion--er, ex-girlfriend. My question is: Does your wife have any reason to worry based on past behavior? Did you do some crossbreeding when you were with the ex--play the two of 'em off each other perhaps? If that's the case, honey bun, you're still doing it. Or maybe you're just being the rebellious boy, using your secret to silently bark "You can't make me!" until you hit your wife's breaking point. Check your motives!

YOUR ONLY recourse is to drop the ex or have a talk--probably many--with your wife about her fears, as well as your wish to sustain a friendship with your ex. Her feelings don't exist in a vacuum; acknowledge their source even if you dispute her conclusions. No, you don't have to tell her exactly what you've been up to behind her back, but do stop the chitchat with the ex until this is resolved. (Notice how the lies can so easily multiply. Nothing so fraught with emotional nitroglycerine is harmless.)

IF YOUR motives are pure and you truly want your ex in your life, she belongs in both of your lives. Invite her home for dinner, and you cook while the women get cozy. Mentoring a genuine friendship between the two women is the best way to keep priorities in balance and to tag this story with a happy ending.