Golf for guys who don't golf: or … how not to look like an idiot on the course

Men's Fitness, May, 2005 by Michael Corcoran

MOST GUYS AVOID GOLFING for one of two reasons: They've either never tried it, or they've found that their complete lack of skill and knowledge results in equal parts humiliation and frustration. Unfortunately, there's one inescapable fact: You can't avoid the game forever. At some point, you will be forced into an uncomfortable play-or-die round with your boss, client, or future father-in-law (hopefully, not all at once). But don't worry. All seasoned players share one thing when it comes to playing with newbies: They don't care how bad you are, just so long as you keep the game moving and don't add strokes to their score. Here's all you need to know to play golf with a pro--without losing your job, your sale, or your girl in the process.

DON'T Stand behind the ball and watch someone swing, even if you're far enough away to avoid getting whacked with the club. Nothing maddens serious players more than being able to see you out of the corner of their eye, and the only place you can stand and be seen is directly behind the ball (or in front of it, in which case you're not a distraction, just a fool). Your best bet: Stand at least five yards away on the side of the ball opposite the player. And don't talk or make any other purposeful noises--for instance, unzipping your bag or burping--while someone is preparing to swing.

DO Watch the entire flight and roll of your ball and "mark" it against something on the landscape so you know where it is. It's amazing how often beginners get so caught up in the histrionics of their frustration that they lose track of the moving ball. Amazing meaning every time! Nothing is more of a drag on your fellow players than to have to help you look for a lost ball on every hole.

DON'T Walk between anyone's ball and the hole when you're on the green. The truth is that this really doesn't make a bit of difference in the outcome of someone's putt--particularly since metal cleats went the way of the mullet--but most guys think it does. And when it comes to etiquette, perception is all that matters.

DO Have at least two balls on your person--not in the bag--at all times. The first ball is the one you're playing and about to lose, and the second one is in your back pocket, ready as a replacement for the lost one. After you hit the replacement, get a new ball out of your bag and put it in your back pocket. This two-at-all-times policy is even followed by veteran players--you know, the guys you're playing with who will become psychotically irritated if you have to walk back to your bag to get a ball every time you lose one, particularly if said ball is on a cart that has been driven a couple of hundred feet or more down the fairway.

DON'T Throw clubs, not even in jest. Flying metal hurts people--sometimes badly. More important, you look like a jackass.

DO Relax. It's golf, not combat. You'll play better and your playing partners will respect your ability to joke about your poor eye-club coordination.

GET FREE LESSONS

To master a better swing, you'll need expert advice, which is perfect because the Professional Golfers' Association of America is offering free lessons to novice golfers throughout the month of May. To find out where you can get 10 minutes of free pro instruction--hey, it's a start--in your area, visit playgolfamerica.com.