Talk dirty to me - Dr. Joy - advice on sex - Brief Article

Men's Fitness, May, 2002 by Joy Davidson

Q My girlfriend can be very vocal during sex. Occasionally she talks dirty. While her talk is always flattering, afterward I often wonder if I'm enough for her and if she's thinking those thoughts about other guys. Am I giving too much weight to words that are only spontaneous outbursts during extreme moments of pleasure?

A I certainly hope your girlfriend thinks "those thoughts" about other men from time to time! I realize that isn't exactly what you hoped to hear, but the truth is, no matter how much steam lovers cook up, occasional erotic thoughts about other people are natural--and needn't be a prelude to action. Besides, even if you could call in the thought patrol to sanitize your girlfriend's mind, wouldn't you be sterilizing everything that makes sex between the two of you so hot?

I believe you're making too much of what should be a thrilling but uncomplicated aspect of your bedroom frolics. However, you're not alone. Explicit language makes a lot of us squirm because it's chock full of taboos: It's crude, it's naughty, it's raunchy, its real. Romantic talk is more proper, sure, but in the throes of outrageous passion, tell me, who needs "proper"?

Interestingly, it's often men who urge their partners to talk dirty in bed and women who are reluctant to expose themselves. This pattern is in sync with our culture's prevailing sexual paradox: Men desire sexy women, but women are labeled "slutty" for being uninhibited. A gal who doesn't need her man's overtures to wax erotic can be a tad threatening. She's saying out loud that her smoldering sexuality emanates from her own core; that it isn't dependent on a wave of his magic wand.

It appears that you're really asking me, "How can I trust a woman who is a sexual force of nature in her own right?" But that's the wrong perspective. You should be asking, "How did I get lucky enough to hook up with a vibrant, sexy woman who thinks I'm the bomb and isn't afraid to let me know?"

Selected questions are answered by Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a licensed therapist and sex educator. Send your questions to Ask Dr. Joy, c/o MEN'S FITNESS, 21100 Erwin St., Woodland Hills, CA 91367; drjoy@weiderpub.com.

Contributors: Mike Carlson, Allan Donnelly, Ben Kallen, Bobby Lee, Mark Thorpe, Tom Weede.