Sex secrets of married men: want to keep things sizzling between the sheets? Learn from the guys who've learned from experience - Relationships

Men's Fitness, May, 2002 by J.L. Sullivan

Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? A: Marry her.

If only because of the sheer number of jokes on the subject, like the moldy one above, it's clear that married couples can find it difficult to have a healthy sex life. Without the excitement of something new--and with the built-in obstacles of jobs, kids, a house and 12 sports channels--keeping things hot and heavy in bed can seem virtually impossible. And yet, a lot of men manage to do it.

How do you keep a once steamy romance from growing as cold as yesterday's lasagna? For answers, we went to the real experts: men who've spent years in the matrimonial trenches. We asked a bunch of happily wedded guys what it takes to keep sex and marriage from becoming a contradiction in terms. Here's the best of what they had to say.

DIFFERENCES IN DESIRE

You think she's holding out; she thinks you're a raging sex maniac who should really be in jail. How do you bridge the gap?

Use visual aids. Chris, 31, married five years: "We had known each other less than a year when we got married, and it took a while before I started to realize that I wanted sex more often than she did. It wasn't a huge difference--she was satisfied with, say, three times a week or so, but I want it almost every day. When I felt like having sex but she didn't, I hit on the idea of acting out scenes from movies together--not really porn, but stuff like 9 1/2 Weeks. Or we'd read a sexy part of a book to each other. I'd say, `Let's just act out the scene--we don't have to do anything about it.' Of course, in the end, we'd both get really turned on and end up having sex anyway."

Lighten her load. Alan, 33, married five years: "When my wife started saying she was `too tired' to have sex, I thought she was losing interest. After all, before we got married, we used to go out until 1 a.m. and still want to go at it when we came home. Now we both work long hours, but I was ready to make love when I got home and she wasn't. What happened was I learned to take her literally: She really was too tired. I don't know if it was her getting older or her job, or what. We got a service to clean our house every couple of weeks and we order in dinner on some weeknights, and that helped--we're having sex more often again. So I guess sometimes the solution to `I'm too tired' is to take away some of the things that are making her that way."

Change your sex schedule. David, 34, married three years: "Sex had been great for my wife and me before we got married, but afterward it always seemed as if our timing was off. She would be raring to go as soon as she woke up in the morning, but I can't even get my eyes open until I've had my first cup of coffee. And she just wanted to collapse into bed at night. We both realized we needed to make some changes, so we did. Since neither of us works too far from home, we go there for `lunch' a couple of times a week. Once in a while, we'll meet at a nice hotel and take a room there--although that's probably more for her than for me. But it's great, because we're both wide awake. Plus, doing it during the workday seems kind of illicit--it's almost as if we're having an affair."

Ditch the kids. Bill, 36, married eight years: "My friends kidded me that my wife would lose interest in sex after we had kids--and then it actually happened. She would say she was too busy or just didn't feel like it. But I think the real problem was that she just didn't feel very sexy. She was carrying some extra pounds and spent all day dealing with baby spit. So when our younger daughter was a few months old, I decided we would leave both children with their grandparents for a few hours and go out on a real date. We got dressed up, went to dinner, and I made sure to take her home a couple of hours before we had to pick up the kids. That turned into a pretty good night, and we've had more good ones since then."

SACK CONCERNS

Everyone has sexual difficulties of some kind or another, and they're sure to appear during a marriage. Now what?

Ask her what she wants.

Adam, 29, married five years: "I hate to say it, but my wife really wasn't very good in bed when we got married. She hadn't had much experience and wasn't really comfortable with the whole thing. I loved her, but I was afraid I might be in for a lifetime of not very good sex. I read a book that said I should encourage her to tell me what she wanted. And once I started doing that, she gradually let me direct her on how to do the things I wanted, too. Somehow this has also made her more passionate in bed--maybe because we've gotten to the point where we understand each other's needs so well. Now I feel lucky. Sex between us is the best I've ever had."

Get hands-on help. Eric, 43, married 10 years: "A couple of years ago, I just stopped functioning the way I used to. Basically, there were times when I couldn't get it up. My wife thought I wasn't sexually attracted to her anymore. And I guess there was some truth to that--after so much time together, and children, I wasn't instantly turned on by her the way I used to be. But I finally saw a urologist, and he said it was normal for someone my age not to become erect from the mere thought of sex--I needed what he called `manual stimulation.' And it worked. Once my wife understood that's what I needed to get going, that it was a physiological issue, she was happy to help out."