Master the third date: your goal: to set up your pad in just the right way to seal the deal, without accidentally killing the mood or scaring her off in the process

Men's Fitness, August, 2005 by Vranich Belisa

THERE MAY BE A reason you haven't scored since the last millennium. It's called your apartment. Take these immediate steps to turn your bachelor cave into the ultimate girl-friendly love den.

Search for other signs of life

* EX-GIRLFRIENDS: Check for any and all possessions left behind, like extra makeup, stray earrings, or spare undies. Incinerate immediately.

* OTHER GIRLS: Ditch anything with a girl's name on it. Ditto with photos, even if they're of your pudgy cousin Daphne in Australia.

* UNWANTED VISITORS: Seek out and destroy all signs of alien life forms, especially mice, roaches, ants, fruit flies, and particularly fungus or mold.

Prep and clean

* THE BEDROOM: Eyeball under your bed for old condom wrappers and souvenir thongs from previous conquests.

* THE BATHROOM: Make sure there are no hairs or nail clippings around the sink. Sponge down the toilet (note: do NOT use your kitchen sponge for this).

* THE KITCHEN: You don't have to mop the whole house, but do clean the floor in the kitchen and bathroom--the two surfaces she's most likely to stick to. And the pot with the burnt chili you've been soaking for a week? Wash it, already, or at least hide it in the stove or microwave.

Grooming time

* TRIM YOUR CLAWS: We girls understand you're a working man, but there's no excuse for fingernail length. Plus, they hurt where they're not supposed to when we get to know each other better.

* DO SOME MORE TRIMMING, DOWN THERE: Don't go crazy giving Jimmy a trendy new summer haircut. Just neaten things up a bit, especially if you have any intentions of us getting a better, ahem, view of the region. Go for a quarter- to half-inch of fuzz--no more, no less.

* PLEASE, PLEASE GO EASY ON THE HAIR GEL: Over-gooping is an epidemic nowadays. To see if you're a victim, take a clean paper towel, spread your fingers wide, and rub it over the top of your head. If you can clearly see the imprint of your hand when you turn the paper over, you are a product whore. Stop it. Now.

HOW SHE SEES YOU

What your decor--or lack thereof--says about you

What she sees: Half-dead plants.

What she thinks: How is he going to take care of a family if he can't take care of a cactus?

What she sees: Any pre-framed art from Ikea.

What she thinks: You wish you were more posh, but don't actually have the interest or money to invest in real art.

What she sees: Piles of dog-eared Playboys in the office or bathroom.

What she thinks: Loser needs to get a social life.

What she wants: A moderately tidy guy with a decent pad she'll feel comfortable waking up in (and where she won't want to turn the lights off while doing it).