The dirty dozen: MF uncovers the 12 worst fitness inventions of all time

Men's Fitness, August, 2004 by Sean Hyson

LAME FITNESS GADGETS DIDN'T BEGIN AND END WITH SUZANNE: SOMERS' BUTTMASTER. FROM THE DAY MAN FIRST STRIVED TO BECOME PEC-TACULAR, BUSINESSMEN DREAMED UP INEFFECTIVE GIZMOS WITH ONE SIMPLE GOAL: SEPARATING A DUMBBELL FROM HIS MONEY. SO WE COMBED THROUGH THE DUSTY MEN'S FITNESS ATTIC AND FOUND WHAT WE BELIEVE ARE THE 12 WORST FITNESS INVENTIONS OF ALL TIME.

PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TRY THESE AT HOME.

"SANITIZED" TAPE WORMS

What the hell was it? Parasites. After swallowing them, they'd nest in your gut and feed off digesting food.

Debut: 100-some-odd years ago

The promise: You'll lose weight! These crawlers, bragged an old-timey ad, were "Friends for a fair form. Jar packed and easy to swallow."

Our verdict: "You also would have lost vitamins, minerals, and intestinal tissue." says fitness expert Tom Seabourne, Ph.D., author of Mind/Body Fitness. Plus, had you ingested these mail-order monstrosities, you surely would've become the object of such groaners as, "Hey, what's eating you?"

THE DUMBBELL CANE

What the hell was it? A cane with, well, a metal dumbbell attached.

Debut: 1910

The promise: "It can be swung in various ways as you walk, with apparent unconsciousness," boasted the not-quite-grammatically-correct advertisement, allowing for a seemingly effortless workout. Sure, it made swingers look like dandies, but at least they were diesel.

Our verdict: A glorified bludgeon (which would never clear today's airport security). "A waif may nave found the weight enough to increase muscle," notes Seabourne, "but the average male needs a few more pounds to feel the burn."

THE PROSTATE-GLAND WARMER

What the hell was it? A nine-foot-long electric cord with a 4 1/4-inch butt plug on one end and a blue light bulb on the other ... just use your imagination.

Debut: 1918

The promise: Upon insertion, the plug will somehow stimulate "the abdominal brain." It's working when the bulb lights up.

Our verdict: Made your ass look like a blue-light special. This is one invention you'd hate to have been caught road-testing. Besides, adds Seabourne, "Your prostate is plenty warm to begin with."

DR. LAWTON'S GUARANTEED FAT REDUCER

What the hell was it? A round slab of soft rubber with a metal handle.

Debut: Early 1920s

The promise: You can rub body fat off and into the bloodstream (thereby "improving circulation") with this oversize eraser tip.

Our verdict: Useless, Of course, rubbers supposedly got their money back if it didn't work as promised in 11 days (assuming Dr. Lawton wasn't down in Rio with their cash), If any fat actually was burned by this, it was due solely to the caloric expenditure of rubbing with the thing. "A better idea," says Seabourne "would have been to walk around the block."

THE TWISTER

What the hell was it? A disc with wheels designed to capitalize on "The Twist" dance craze.

Debut: 1960s

The promise: Twisting like Chubby Checker while on this particleboard disc (sold by Jack LaLanne in his catalog) will burn more calories than sitting down to watch the Chubster de it on Ed Sullivan.

Our verdict: We're stunned that a man named Chubby could even have inadvertently spawned an exercise craze. The Twister was "basically a bathroom scale on ball bearings," confides good sport Dan LaLanne, ol' Jack's son.

ACU-DOTS

What the hell was it? Magnets stuck on thick gauze that would be wrapped around limbs.

Debut: 1979

The promise: Pain relief and increased blood circulation will occur as the magnets "attract" the iron in your blood.

Our verdict: Even the most iron-rich blood doesn't budge--all that these magnets would have attracted was laughter. Amazingly, "These suckers made a comeback in 2001 to 'cure' joint and muscular ailments," says Seabourne. "But most proved to have little benefit beyond the placebo effect."

THE RELAXACIZOR

What the hell was it? A gizmo that, via its "contact pads," electrically shocked the body.

Debut: 1949

The promise: Sore muscles will be soothed by surges of electricity. Because, you know, nothing says "relaxation" like high voltage.

Our verdict: Shockingly, more than 400,000 Relaxacizors were sold before they were banned for aggravating such preexisting medical conditions as hernias, ulcers, and epilepsy. "Legitimate electronic muscle stimulators are great for rehabbing injured muscles," says Seabourne, "but only a trained physical therapist should administer them." As for relaxation, geez, just jump into a hot tub. (Without any electric appliances, mind you.)

THE AUTOMATIC EXERCISER

What the hell was it? A collection of pulleys, ropes, and chains attached by handles and straps to a bowling-ball-size weight--the WWI-era predecessor to Bowflex. The weight lifted the user while he sat there, relaxed (probably because he was finally separated from his dumbbell cane).

Debut: Late 1910s

The promise: "Double your strength, improve your health, and lengthen your life."

Our verdict: Production ended in the '20s, probably because no one bought any, and the few that were sold didn't work. "Any device that can be used to provide resistance to muscles at different angles without injuring the participant has merit," says Seabourne. "But if the muscles themselves aren't doing the work, it doesn't belong in the same class as the Bowflex."