The new man of the house - Sex

Men's Fitness, August, 2002 by Joy Davidson

I recently lost my job, and my wife is now the only breadwinner in the family. This has altered the dynamic of our relationship, and I'm having a hard time fulfilling my established role as the "man of the house" because I feel I've let my family down. What can I do to ease the tension and bring a sense of normalcy back to my family?

THE STRESS OF losing a job can be debilitating for anyone, but especially when your self-worth is fastened to your earning capacity. The manhood/breadwinner twinship exists in a mental maze without exit, a place where you are perpetually vulnerable to emasculation by the scalpel of marketplace change. The only way out of this trap is to view your role in the family more dynamically--that is, as an extension of all the skills and energies you contribute, economic prowess being only one of them.

I can sense your dedication to those you love. You won't let your family down so long as you understand that expressing devotion throughout this hardship will mean supporting your household in nontraditional ways. Support means "to hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking or slipping." It means "to bolster." There are dozens of ways you can support your loved ones and demonstrate strength as the man of the house--a role that has shifted only in form, not character. For example, you now have something to offer that was in short supply while you were employed: time. What a gift! Ask yourself what you can do with that added free time to help sustain your family. In fact, ask them.

Perhaps you can give your kids a hand with schoolwork (as much to connect with them as to improve their grades). Or perhaps you can ease your wife's responsibilities at home and show her you recognize her hard work--possibly even equipping yourself with your own monogrammed apron and feather duster set. Maybe you can give her a massage at the end of the day, or make love to her in the kind of languorous way she adores.

I'm aware of the temptation to dismiss these efforts as less important than "real" work, or even as unmanly. But if you can fight the inclination to undervalue them, you may discover something you need to learn anyway: Your wife's and children's deepest longings are for your presence, attention, care and love--not your paycheck. When you return to the office grind, you'll look back and cherish every one of these halcyon days. Don't go wasting them on an identity crisis!

Selected questions are answered by Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a licensed therapist and sex educator.

Send your questions to Ask Dr. Joy, c/o MEN'S FITNESS, 21100 Erwin St., Woodland Hills, CA 91367; drjoy@weiderpub.com.