Clean up your sex act: you may not notice your Ginsu nails, 50-grit face and the forest growing out of your nose—but she sure will - Sexuality - how men can achieve a nice appearance

Ty Wenger

If you're like most guys, you probably take great pride in your grooming routine--great pride, that is, in how incredibly fast you can accomplish it. Run a comb through your hair, splash on some aftershave, and you're more ready for a night of lovin' than Charlie Sheen on a fistful of Viagra.

Well, think again, Pepe Le Pew. While your no-hassle routine is fine for making the dinner reservation on time, it might be leaving you poorly primped for the after-dinner delights. "I can't tell you how many women say the same thing to me: It's hygiene, hygiene, hygiene," says Lou Paget, a female sex educator and author of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure. "There are so many sexual grooming habits that men do wrong--or don't do at all. Guys simply have no clue how often they're shooting themselves in the foot with bad hygiene."

Clearly, it's time to get a clue. So lock the bathroom door behind you, and prepare to turn your unkempt body into a well-manicured sex machine.

THE NAIL FILES

Let's start with those little shards of collagen at the ends of your fingers. Believe it or not, that's the first place many women look--not the size of your shoe--when they're sizing you up for sex.

"Yucky nails, and you are not nailing me, period," says Heather, a 33-year-old actress.

"Don't be sticking your hand down there if you've got a hangnail. Guys have no idea how much that hurts," says Beth, 34, a nurse.

"I sit on the train and I look at men's hands. If they have long nails, I just know they're not getting any," says Jennifer, a 31-year-old waitress.

Who knew women cared so much about fingernails? Apparently, not us. But since all guys know there is no man in manicure, let's polish your act at home.

To begin, cut your nails after you shower, when they're still soft. Then use an emery board for smoothing any rough edges. Finally, as a test, take this tip from Paget: "Curve your index finger over your bottom lip, like a fishhook, and run it along the inside of your lower gum ridge. If you feel nail when you're stroking back and forth, so will she. And that's a very bad thing."

SHAVING PRIVATE RYAN

Now it's time for a haircut for the little man inside your pants. Yes, just as you enjoy when your lady trims her southern hedges, a growing number of women love a man who mows his lower lawn. Not convinced? Then consider what male adult-film actors (and landscapers) know: Cut the weeds at the base of a tree and--presto!--your tree looks taller!

Start by trimming your pubic hairs uniformly short, like a well-kept putting green. (Since only a fool jabs scissors near the family jewels, use an electric hair-trimmer like the Wahl Homepro.) Now, if you're man enough to go the full monty, it's time to shave your shaft. Not only does a shaved unit deliver stronger sensations, many women say it's more fun to play with--and that's a good thing.

"I remember when my husband came back from his vasectomy, and the doctors had shaved his testicles clean," says Beth. "And damn if it wasn't a lot better fiddling around down there. No hairs to come loose. And it's more aesthetic, too. Now I could never go back."

Terrified of taking a blade to your little buddies? Don't worry. With a little preparation it's a safe proposition. Begin by softening the skin of your privates with a hot towel. Apply a nonmenthol shaving cream and let soak for five minutes. Grab the best tool-shaving tool available--the Schick Protector razor, with "microfine" guard wires--and shave with the grain on the first pass, then back again for a smooth finish. Pat your boys down with talcum powder. And please, unless you're some kind of sick pain freak, step away from the aftershave.

JUST SAY NO TO NOSE HAIR

Glance in the mirror and it's all good. Oh yeah, buddy, you're a handsome devil.

But now tilt your head back a few degrees and look again. Is that prairie grass growing from your nose? If this is the glorious view you're offering your sex partner, you need to tame your inner nostrils.

Attacking them with tweezers is not only outrageously painful, it's also a sure way to cause an infection of the inner nasal membrane. Instead, enlist the help of a battery-operated nose-hair trimmer. The Tweezerman SPA Turn 'n Trim will do the trick for about $8. But if you're the kind of guy who can drop 60 bucks on a nose-hair trimmer with dual LED "headlamps," the Sharper Image Turbo-Groomer 2.0 is the nostril thresher for you.

And while you're at it, use the trimmer to deforest that stand of timber poking prominently out of your ears. Heck, you may even end up hearing what she says more often.

HANDY JOB

"If you take a ride on a subway with a guy and he's holding a subway post," Jennifer says, "and the next minute the two of you are getting hot and heavy and he's sticking his hands down your pants--all I can think about are the 500 people who touched that subway post, and now they're in my pants. All 500 of them."

Surely, we don't need to explain how susceptible a woman's parts are to urinary tract infections from bacteria on unclean hands. And we don't need to remind you that when she has an infection, that means no sex for you. But Elissa, a 34-year-old writer, puts it in terms any man can understand: "Just wash your hands before you go sticking your fingers anywhere that's warm and wet on a woman's body."

TASTES GREAT, LESS FILLING

It's just a hunch, but we're willing to bet you don't spend much time considering the taste of your own bodily fluids. Women, however, do. Case in point: A few years ago, Jennifer heard that a man can affect the taste of his semen, so she decided to test it out. "I heard oranges really affect the flavor, so I had my boyfriend eat like a dozen oranges over two days," she says. "Sure enough, I could totally taste the difference."

Outstanding news for the citrus growers of America--but it's not just oranges. Indeed, women claim that several foods can improve the taste of semen within a single day, including fruit juices, green tea, bananas, papayas, mangos, parsley and cilantro. Foods that promote that not-so-fresh taste? Red meat, asparagus, broccoli, brussels sprouts, coffee and nicotine. There are even two new dietary supplements you won't find at your local Rite Aid--with the suggestive names Semenex and Cum D'liciou--specifically designed to sweeten your seed when ingested 24 hours before orgasm.

Ridiculous? Maybe not. Semen is composed of 97 percent water, a variety of sugars and minerals, and roughly 300 million sperm. So altering your diet could well affect the taste of your fluids. Granted, since you exercise and eat right, your stuff is probably fairly tame to begin with. But who are we kidding? A "taste test" is still a fine proposition you could offer your lover.

A BREATH OF FRESH AIR

When is a grooming tip not just a grooming tip? When it serves double-duty as a breath freshener and oral-sex enhancer--we're talking about the phenomenon of Altoids.

Yes, what you've heard about the Altoids trick is true: Suck on one of those "curiously strong" mints before you waggle the alphabet with your tongue, and your supermentholated mouth becomes a jet-powered air conditioner of love. Granted, some women enjoy this more (or less) than others, so consult your partner before blowing cold air on her kitty. Then again, if the intense sensations send her screaming from the room--well, at least your breath will be minty fresh.

SHAVING FACE

Tristan Taormino, sex expert and author of the best-selling sex guide Pucker Up, doesn't equivocate. To her, our greatest grooming offense is plastered all over our faces.

"A scruffy face? While he's down there?" she says. "Men have no idea. I don't even know how to show them how bad it feels--except maybe to rub sandpaper on their testicles while we're orally ministering to them."

We're not sure if that's a threat or a promise, but regardless, the point is clear: That facial scruff that you think makes you look like Don Johnson from his pastel days is actually pubic enemy No. 1 for women.

To rid yourself of this Miami vice, come armed with the closest shave on the market: Gillette Mach3Turbo. Then grab a badger-hair shave brush and a cake of Colonel Conk's Almond Shave Soap (the best-kept secret in high-end shaving, and available online). Work yourself into a lather, and shave--preferably in the shower, to keep your hairs soft--while taking several upward passes at the ever-dangerous "cheese grater" area below your lower lip. As a final test, pull your lower lip tight over your teeth and rub it along the inside of your wrist. If it's not as smooth as a baby's butt, then it's back to the bathroom for you.

New York City writer Ty Wenger is obsessive about trimming his fingernails.

COPYRIGHT 2002 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2002 Gale Group