How your woman can be a BABE

Men's Fitness, Sept, 2003 by Joy Davidson

For five years we've hauled your sex and relationship quandaries before the oracle of Dr. Joy Davidson, and like Greek goddesses before her, she's answered, with the utmost care, all the big, small and sticky questions that concern you. Now the good doctor has focused her attention on the issues of her own gender with How to Be a BABE: Overcome Your Romantic Obsessions and Other Obstacles to Having the Sex Life You Deserve. Far from being a feminist call to arms (gentlemen, hold your scrotums), this book is a how-to guide for women looking to free themselves from outdated and harmful soda] stigmas that hinder the development of healthy sexual lives.

GREAT, YOU'RE probably thinking, but what's in it for us? How about balanced, authentic, bold and erotic (read: BABE) women? To get the nitty-gritty on this new breed, we asked Dr. Joy to explain to men the benefits of a world populated with BABEs.

B IS FOR BALANCED

What You Get

"She isn't obsessive. A balanced women will give you space and respect your boundaries, because she will demand her own space and will have her own boundaries. She isn't locked into the past either, where she's haunted by ghosts of ex-lovers who did her wrong. She sees you as a separate person. While she can be deeply connected to you, she will still maintain a sense of her own identity. You won't get swallowed up by her."

A IS FOR AUTHENTIC

What you get

"She's clear about her needs; she doesn't play games. A babe is very real in terms of expressing her desires and acting on them. And the more authentic she is, the more authentic you feel comfortable being. She isn't looking for you to play a role. Be 100% of who you are, and respect her for being 100% of who she is."

B IS FOR BOLD

What You Get

"A woman proud of her sexuality. And brave and less fearful of disapproval from others. She's going to take more responsibility for making the relationship sexually exciting and passionate, but she's not going to pretend things are going well if they aren't. And she's definitely going to let you know if you're not pleasing her. By the same token, she will enthusiastically let you know when things are going well."

E IS FOR EROTIC

What You Get

"She rejoices in the little erotic moments. She doesn't have the attitude that there's a time and a place for erotic experience; she believes every time and every place has some room for erotic encounters, even if they're very low-key. She doesn't need you to develop her desire--she has her own--but she's very aware of yours. As a result, you become the recipient of that low-level of sexual energy always zipping between you."

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT FROM A BABE

* Don't expect her to take care of you; she's an adult, and she expects you to act like one too.

* Don't expect her to expect you to be a hero; she doesn't need to be rescued.

* Don't expect her to keep mum about her sexual needs; she'll always tell you the score.

* Don't expect her "no" to mean anything other than NO. Likewise, her "yes" is pretty damn clear, too.

* Don't expect her to play games; she'll be straightforward with her expectations and needs.

* Don't expect her to defer to your sexual needs all the time; she will have her own well-articulated desires.

* Don't expect her to be flattered by noncommunicative behavior; she expects you to talk to her.

Selected questions are answered by Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a licensed therapist and sex educator. Send your questions to Ask Dr. Joy, c/o MEN'S FITNESS, 21100 Erwin St., Woodland Hills, CA 91367, or e-mail drjoy@weiderpub.com.