Rejected! - tips for men on handling rejection - includes related article on overcoming the fear of rejection

Men's Fitness, Nov, 1998 by Sam Dunn

No matter how charming, handsome and buff you are, you're still going to get turned down once in a while. Here's how to handle it.

Darrin had seen her on the street each time he went for a run - a blonde with warm, dark eyes that seemed to meet his whenever they passed. When he smiled at her, she smiled back. After about a week of these accidental meetings, he screwed up his courage, stopped her, introduced himself and said: "Would you like to have a cup of coffee with me?"

She looked straight at him with those deep brown eyes and said, "No, but thanks anyway." And then she walked off.

Darrin stood there, feeling like a putz. "Everybody always says not to take rejection personally," he says. "But really, how can you not?"

Rejection is personal, no matter how nice someone may be about it. And for guys, romantic life is fraught with potential rejections. Despite whatever changes have occurred in male-female affairs over the past several decades, the man is still most often responsible for initiating the steps that start a relationship or move it forward - asking for the date, going in for the first kiss, suggesting sex, proposing marriage leaving the woman in a position to accept or reject his offer. (According to men's-movement guru Warren Farrell, PhD, a man risks rejection as many as 150 times from the moment he makes eye contact with a woman until they first make love.)

And as any guy knows, having a romantic proposal rejected can be a painful thing. Not only does it mean you're not going to get what you want, it's a blow to the ego, one that can be disabling if it happens often enough or comes from someone you really care about. And yet, if you're going to go out with women, you can't avoid being rejected at least some of the time. The trick is to deal with it when it happens, and to increase your appeal so it happens less frequently.

Making the best of it

The most important aspect of handling rejection is to separate your sense of self-worth from how other people perceive you, says Scott E. Hall, PhD, an assistant professor of counselor education and human services at the University of Dayton. "Let's say a woman says, 'I don't think it'll work because you like Chinese food and browsing at Borders, and I'm just not into that.' Instead of telling yourself, 'This person doesn't like me - I'm no good,' understand that she doesn't like bookstores or your type of food. There are so many factors that go into making a relationship click. She's rejecting your behavior, not your right to exist on the planet." And what if she says the very way you breathe makes her sick? "Remember, there's somebody out there, maybe even in the next room, who will like the way you breathe," Hall says.

In fact, a lot of the time, a negative response has nothing to do with you. Maybe she's in a relationship, or is just getting over one, or has significant emotional baggage of her own to deal with. And while she might have said yes if it was Matt Damon doing the asking, she might not have, either.

What's more, the fact that she says no to a given invitation doesn't necessarily mean she's rejecting you outright. "Sometimes people will set themselves up for failure," Hall says. If you convince yourself that the only acceptable response is Of course, I'd love to have dinner with you, then there are only two ways she can respond: the right way and the wrong way, he adds. "If she doesn't respond exactly the way you think she should, you can be devastated. Part of what we need to do is accept the fact that we can't always control every situation; the only thing we can control is how we perceive it." Maybe she would accept a different invitation at a different time, when she's in a different mood. Maybe she'll be more interested once she gets to know you better. Heck, maybe she read The Rules and rejects every first offer. (In which case she's probably too high-maintenance for you, anyway.)

Of course, there will be times when a woman you like simply isn't interested in you. We know that because it happens to everybody - which shows that it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. The problems start when you begin seeing every rejection as proof that you're not worthy.

One way to avoid this is to always find out why you were shot down. Women may be hesitant to tell you the real reason they said no for fear of hurting your feelings, or they may not be sure themselves. But be persistent - the more you know, the better off you are, says John Fuhrman, a professional speaker and author of Reject Me - I Love It! 21 Secrets for Turning Rejection Into Direction (Success Publishers, $11). "Don't cheat yourself out of information that can be useful to you next time," he advises. "If you truly did your best, you need to ask why you got turned down. Maybe things happened beyond your control that prevented you from getting what you asked for. Or maybe you need to improve. But you won't know any of that unless you're willing to ask." And knowing the specifics will keep you from chalking it up to some larger failing in yourself, which could lead you to give up.