All the wrong moves - things that displease women

Men's Fitness, July, 1998 by Stacy Whitman

Tired of women hanging all over you? Here's how to keep them away. (If, on the other hand, you like it when the ladies love you, we'll tell you how to make that happen, too.)

I love guys. During my decade and a half of dating, I've met about a million terrific men, the best of whom have made me laugh, made me think and inspired me to keep a stash of cold beers on hand at all times. But even good guys make mistakes with women ... and some make a lot of them.

If you're one of these hapless types, could it be that you really don't want a girlfriend? After all, being single has its advantages. You get more time to hang with your buddies and watch Sports Illustrated swimsuit videos. And you can buy one ticket to the new Jackie Chan movie instead of two.

In fact, if you live by the following four rules, you're guaranteed to stay footloose and date-free. If, on the other hand, you're not interested in inhabiting a womanless world, figure out whether you're making any of the following blunders and stop right now. You'll be amazed how quickly your luck will change for the better.

Rule 1: Tune her out

"I'd just had a big fight with my best friend. When I saw my boyfriend at the gym, I said, 'I've had the worst day.' His response? 'The Yankees won. The game was awesome.' Clearly, he wasn't interested in my problems - yet he seemed surprised when I eventually dumped him." - Paula, 35

You're not going to score points by watching Cops or reading your e-mail while a woman tells you about her day or pours her heart out to you. And if you forget everything she told you yesterday, you'll go straight to her mental doghouse and stay there a long time. paying attention doesn't require a PhD, just a little thoughtfulness. Ask her questions and focus on her answers, and don't try to read the newspaper at the same time.

"I recently ran into a guy I met at a party years ago," says Leigh, 31. "He asked whether I ever got the job I'd been interviewing for and whether I was still running 10K races. My heart melted."

In other words, treat her like she's special, says Gilda Carle, PhD, a relationship therapist in New York City. "It's the little things that count. If she's got a doctor's appointment that she's nervous about, call to find out how it went."

When you do listen to her problems, don't give in to the male urge to immediately tell her what she needs to do to fix things - women want support before they want advice. "I came home from work up to my eyeballs in a bureaucratic soap opera," says Beth, 30. "I wanted to vent, and my husband kept jumping in with solutions. I felt like he thought I was incapable of fixing the problem myself."

Rule 2: Come on too strong

"It was Valentine's Day. This guy I'd been on a few dates with stopped by. When I opened the door, there he was, dressed like Cupid. He hurled a foam-rubber arrow at me, which hit me smack in the forehead. I was horrified." - Janet, 30

Most women are attention sponges - they crave it, soak it up and can't seem to get enough. But while a guy will earn points for showing his interest, he can lose even more by going too far. "Overkill is one of the biggest turn-offs for women," says Carle. "Everyone wants a little challenge."

In a perfect world, plying her with expensive gifts and huge bouquets of flowers would make you a bigger babe magnet than Brad Pitt. But for some women, it sets off alarm bells. "Let the line out little by little until she gets to know you," Carle says. "You don't want to look desperate."

The best way to impress a woman is to understand her likes and dislikes. While some women are thrilled to receive a dozen red stems, others feel that roses are cliche. To the most interesting women, it really is the thought that counts. "I appreciate simple gifts - ones that require creativity or say that a guy really knows me - a lot more than expensive, meaningless ones," says Ann, 26.

That's not to say you won't catch hell if you present her with a hand-made pencil holder on her birthday; she wants to feel cherished, not know that you got an A in home ec. Remember that women appreciate presentation - if you write her a poem, make sure you put it on nice stationery, not a cocktail napkin.

Here are some more examples overdoing it that are sure to send her running for the hills:

* Mention how much you appreciate being with her, because you haven't been on a date in months.

* If she resists your advances, call her a few times a day until she comes to her senses.

* Remind her that you earn six figures, drive a Beemer and won your tennis match in straight sets. Mention all the ways in which her other friends are inferior to you.

Rule 3: Be a player

"I went to dinner with a big group of friends. This one guy - a sitcom writer who had just gotten a job on a hit TV show - kept putting his hands all over me and saying, 'Why don't you stay at my place tonight? I'll show you a good time.' I couldn't get out of there fast enough." - Jennifer, 29

Remember the guys in high school who used to get all the girls - the ones who used to lie to women and break their hearts? They're older and balder now, and spending a lot of time alone. "Players get the women temporarily, but those relationships don't last past a couple of dates," says New York City psychologist Karen Zager, PhD.