The Glossies Awards

Folio: The Magazine for Magazine Management, Jan 1, 2004

First of all, I want to apologize, again, about the controversy surrounding last year's Glossies Awards. As I stated in the press release jointly issued by me, my attorney, and my accounting firm (Arthur Andersen), I didn't see the final proof of the column and certainly didn't realize that my intern's assistant had inserted several unauthorized awards (including that So Good I Want to Sniff Its Butt Award to Dog Fancy, on behalf of his dog, Mr. Barkles, and the I'd Rather Die in a Fiery Greyhound Bus Crash Prize to United Airlines' inflight magazine). That said, this year I have a new intern and I plan to skim most, if not all, of the final proof. So, here goes:

THE TINA BROWN MEMORIAL "BUZZIE" AWARD goes to Radar magazine founder and editor Maer Roshan, whose mid-year launch of his pop-culture magazine scored endless media-about-media media before fizzling out. It soon became clear that Roshan had neglected the pesky little matter of securing sufficient financing to keep the thing afloat after its first two flashy issues. Word is that Radarites now revisionistically refer to their launch as a "test" - which means we can look forward to their magazine actually launching in 2004! (This will also qualify Maer for the coveted Do-Over Prize) Meantime, radarmagazine.com encourages you to "Give the gift of Radar magazine! The special 10-issue gift subscription is just $15. I'm ordering one for my former intern.

THE COVERLINE OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to Details - "the gay magazine for straight men," as Gawker.com's Choire Sicha calls it. The winner, from January/February 2003: "HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH COLIN FARRELL YET?" (Um, I'm not sure. Have been very busy. Let me check my Treo 600. Uh, nope. Looks like I haven't yet. I'm free next Tuesday morning though, around 10 a.m.) Really, this was the best Details coverline since September 2002's "ARE YOUR BREASTS BIGGER THAN HERS?"

THE DESPITE MY BETTER INSTINCTS I LIKE YOU AWARD goes to Cargo, the gestating brother pub to Conde Nast's Lucky. The men's shopping bible doesn't even launch until March, but its clever, witty ad campaign, which has been blanketing the trades (and taking over phone booth kiosk ad space in New York), has done a lovely job of whetting appetites. ("Shop Like a Man. Read it. Club it. Drag it Home." "The New Hunting Magazine for Men.") Considering how dour I've been about the cultural ramifications of Lucky and its imitators (soul death, I say!), the fact I'm half-looking forward to Cargo (the sample page layouts I've seen are cool, too) says something about its potential for Brownian (or Roshanian) buzz next year.

On second thought, THE COVERLINE OF THE YEAR AWARD really goes to In Touch Weekly, for its September 22 "WEDDING SECRETS: HOW J.LO'S MAKING SURE HER THIRD MARRIAGE WILL LAST FOREVER" - right before Bennifer broke up. I'd sooner take stock tips from Martha Stewart than read relationship pointers from any celebrity - even if they are really dreamed up by somebody's intern's assistant. But more to the point, the way In Touch and Us Weekly and People and tons of other mags took the whole Bennifer phenomenon seriously - until, of course, they suddenly didn't take it seriously - just underscores my contention that horoscopes are more accurate than celebrity coverage.

Speaking of which, THE LAUNCH OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to American Media's Celebrity Horoscope Weekly, as conceived by AMI chief David Pecker and brilliantly executed by his editorial director, Bonnie Fuller. In 2003, CHW redefined celebrity journalism and gave In Style a run for its money with uncanny predictions regarding which $2,000 handbags starlets would buy. (FYI: This award has not yet been fact-checked and is subject to audit.)

This year's HUMANITARIAN AWARD goes to New York Supreme Court Justice Ira Gammerman, for throwing the Rosie O'Donnell vs. Gruner Jahr case out of his court, without rewarding either side damages. Personally, I'd have liked to have seen the plus-sized loudmouth and the clueless corporate dissemblers exiled to one of those remote reality-TV islands - without the camera crew. But then they probably would have re-co-ventured (some people can't help themselves) on a WiFi blog or something. Anyway, thank you Judge Gammerman for sparing us.

THE WAY TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT AWARD goes to Gruner Jahr CEO Dan Brewster for insisting on dragging Rosie O'Donnell to court in the first place, leading to a wide-ranging corporate credibility crisis thanks to the under-oath testimony by circ chief Diane Potter that she'd overstated the magazine's newsstand sales by hundreds of thousands of copies. Naturally, Brewster forced her out, after insisting she'd stay. Lemme tell you, I hope Brewster stays put in his job, 'cause it sure makes my job easier to be able to able to write about him and G J. (This is comedy that writes itself!)

THE I'LL MISS YOU - SERIOUSLY - AWARD. It's a tie! The winners: Bob Guccione Jr.'s shuttered Gear magazine (which too few readers saw was often quite good in its waning days) and Vanguard Media's Honey, Heart & Soul and Savoy. I was especially fond of the last, a general-interest magazine for African-American men that engaged in provocative examinations of racial politics. Witness Savoy's October "Kobe Byrant Goes to Court" cover package, which included an interview with Johnnie Cochran ("I believe he will be acquitted") and a fearless essay by Michael Eric Dyson on "Black Man's Kryptonite" ("...the saga of the black man and the white woman"). I predict some posthumous awards from real award-givers.