Tall Tree. Fat Racoon. Huge Headache

Shooting Industry, Dec, 2000 by Commander Gilmore

What goes up must come down, right? The corollary is, stuff that's already up also frequently comes down. If Brad Davis would have studied that before his last raccoon hunt, he wouldn't be making those huge hospital payments. Good thing Brad took a buddy along hunting outside of Milledgeville, Ga., or he might not have made it. Well, perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to bring along his sharpshootin' buddy.

Ol' Brad skeered up a big boar coon and ran it right up a tall tree. Problem was, he found himself at a poor angle for a shot. That's when Brad's "buddy" came to the, ah, rescue. Sharpshootin' Bud popped a cap and the raccoon dropped, never hitting a single branch all the way down. Problem was, it was just about a 60-foot drop and the coon weighed 15 pounds, so you figure it reached nearly Terminal Critter Velocity before impacting right on top of Brad's head, knocking him clean unconscious and fracturing three vertebrae -- Brad's, not the coon's. We have no report of the coon's injuries.

It's probably a good thing deer don't climb trees.

Next Time, Be More Observant

Ricky Lynn Caudill, 43, plotted the layout, the timing and a getaway plan for his robbery of Bank One in Columbus, Ohio. Oh, he was focused, all right; maybe a little too focused. When he burst in and announced his holdup, he sorta failed to notice the presence of Officer Duane Ward, who was lecturing some bank employees on "what to do in the event of a robbery."

Duane took a few minutes out of his presentation to show 'em "here's what I do in the event of a robbery," using Ricky as a demonstration, ah, dummy. The tellers were impressed. So was Ricky.

Stuff Don't Float In Wyoming

Charles Moses, 31, was on the run, armed and dangerous, when he decided to "capture" a remote ranch house north of Lusk, Wyo. Apparently he hadn't considered that folks in the cowboy state tend not to be shrinking violets and rarely get more than a step away from their shootin' irons. Already suspicious of citified strangers without cowboy boots, the Wyoming rancher and his son, who requested to remain anonymous, spotted Moses moseying their way and, quite naturally, took some precautions. Dad sent Boy out to circle around the stranger with a rifle and wait for one of two signals: "all clear" or "cut him down like a willow switch." Then Dad waited on the porch with his own shooter close at hand.

Moses, who was already wet, cold, miserable and irritated, brusquely told Dad that he was a big, bad outlaw and just might get violent if Dad didn't surrender immediately and do as he was told. Dad then gently advised the fugitive that if he laid down his gun really, really slowly, maybe Boy wouldn't blow his spine all the way to Cheyenne. Moses saw the light. Dad & Boy gave Moses hot food, warm dry clothes and a matching set of rope hog-ties for his hands and feet. Generous guys, huh? Then they dropped a dime to the sheriff.

In the previous five days, Moses had shot and wounded a Nebraska state trooper and a county sheriff's deputy, then killed a farmer near Paxton. Schools across western Nebraska were closed and many people on outlying farms had driven into towns to avoid Moses. We're told "that stuff don't float" in Wyoming.

Some People Shouldn't Have Guns

We're rather high on folks having the right to own firearms. However, some critters shouldn't have 'em, or knives, or pointy sticks, or access to model airplane glue, for that matter. Take the case of Leonard Oak and Richard Lavoie. Apparently, these two used to play an indoor variation of "chicken," where they would chase each other around the house with rifles, trying to see who could shoot closest to the other guy without hitting him. Hell on the furnishings, but boy, they had some fun.

Then Richard violated their "hey, not so close to the head" rule when he planted a slug about 6 inches from Leonard's noggin'. Leonard, perturbed, then shot out Richard's favorite wall clock. Of course, Richard responded by threatening Leonard, and Leonard, following the Rules of Engagement for Morons, dinged Richard in the shoulder "to show he wasn't intimidated."

It took the St. Johnsbury, Vt., police some considerable time just to figure out exactly what these two idiots were doing, and then, of course, they had to research the Vermont statutes to see if there was a "felony stupid" law.

They Make Dandy Bookends

You know some of your customers have those table lamps made from old Mausers and use de-milled Garand receivers for paperweights. Surely you can think of some use for old anti-personnel mines, and, with the right point-of-purchase display, who knows?

If you're ready to try it, you can get tons of land mines cheap around the area of Kukes, Albania. Serbs planted thousands of land mines along the Albania-Kosovo border, trying to keep ethnic Albanian guerrillas from attacking Serb forces. Recently, an apparently unfounded rumor spread that NATO was paying top dollar for any mines brought in from the area, and hordes of cash-poor Albanians have collected literally thousands of the mines, storing them in barns, cellars and warehouses. They've even deactivated some of 'em.