Under the influence of acute stupidity

Shooting Industry, March, 2008 by Commander Gilmore

It's just human nature. Anytime somebody does something unnecessarily dangerous, bizarre, weird in a wacky way or anything that seems patently, absurdly stupid, we kinda tend to think he must have been "under the influence of" something--especially if it reflects such a bone-deep level of stupidity that it would lead us to ask, "How could this person have lived and breathed to adulthood--and still be this dumb?" Here's an example:

Deputies didn't ask how this 66-year-old man ever lived to that age--they only knew that he wasn't intoxicated or in a drug-daze when he tried a unique approach to loosening a lug nut on his Lincoln Continental. The unnamed man had been working on his ride at home, about 10 miles from Seattle, and had removed all but one lug nut off the right rear wheel. Naturally--wouldn't you try this?--he fetched his trusty 12-gauge shotgun, stood away at about arm's length and blasted it!

The man was liberally peppered with buckshot and miscellaneous metallic debris from his feet to his chin, resulting in severe but not life-threatening wounds. Apparently his stance and the position of a fender prevented shot from hitting his face and eyes. Deputies scooped him up and rushed him to Tacoma General Hospital, where they insisted on drug and alcohol tests, which proved negative. The lug nut, by the way, was still frozen solidly in place. Which, we can clearly state, was also the condition of his frontal lobe functions.

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Harsh Conditions

Will you take dentures for collateral? You might not, but Robert Henry Stahl does, or did, anyway. He was sort of in the loan business.

A dude named Billie Townsend apparently owed Stahl some money, and met him at a bar in Yorktown, Ind., to work out a deal. Seems like negotiations didn't proceed very smoothly though. The 62-year-old Stahl took Townsend for a walk outside and commenced whoppin' him like Tony Galento's punching bag. Then he grabbed Townsend in a headlock, reached into his mouth and yanked out his dentures.

"He said, 'You ain't getting these back,'" Townsend told police. Stahl was charged with robbery and battery and possibly, poor customer service.

No Easy Mark

With fists like those, who needs a gun? At least, that's what we're bettin' 27-year-old ex-pickpocket Jesse Daniel Rae is thinking. He might also be reconsidering his mental image of "an easy mark."

That's how he saw 72-year-old Bill Barnes when he spotted the seasoned citizen in a gas station convenience store near Grand Rapids, Mich. Barnes had just pulled a wad of cash out of an ATM, purchased a $2 lottery ticket and shoved the remainder of the $300 into the left-front pocket of his shorts. That's when Jesse slid up--and screwed up, big time.

The instant Bill felt a hand stealthily slippin' into that pocket, he seized Jesse's wrist in an iron grip with his left hand and commenced launching rapid-fire jackhammer punches with his right. At 72, he likes his punching targets to remain within optimum range and not have to chase 'em. The result?

"There was blood everywhere," store manager Abby Ostrom told reporters. Another employee jumped in and slammed Jesse to the deck, probably saving him from further injury at the hands of Batt-lin' Bill, who told police, "I guess I acted on instinct." We think those were some refined instincts. Jesse messed with the wrong guy.

Barnes was a regional runner-up in Golden Gloves boxing competition in both the novice and open-class divisions before he enlisted in the Marines in 1956. After service as a Leatherneck, he squeezed steel as an ironworker for over 20 years before retirement. And, Barnes admitted, he had a sorta special motivation not to let some bad guy grab his bucks.

"I wouldn't want my wife to give me hell for lettin' that guy get my money," he told officers, smiling.

After being pummeled into pudding by a guy nearly three times his age, Jesse is lookin' at 15 years in the joint for felony unarmed robbery. We're betting that if Jesse gets out at age 42, an 87-year-old Barnes could still kick his butt in a stand-up fight.

First Church Of Snooze

Police in Rosenberg, Texas, were a bit surprised when a day care center staffer at St. John's United Church of Christ called one early morning and asked if officers could come by, wake up and haul away a snoring drunk burglar. When police arrived, they found a guy passed out with an empty communion wine bottle at his side.

Charlie Chug-a-Lug had broken into the church hoping to score some cash from the office. People give donations in U.S. currency, not plastic, right? A fair presumption, but he couldn't find the office. So naturally, he began peeling paneling off the walls looking for it. This strenuous activity plumb tuckered the lad out--and made him fiercely hungry, too. He stepped into the kitchen, made a big mess and an even bigger sandwich, grabbed a jug of communion claret out of a cabinet, and sank into a comfy sofa. You can guess the rest: He liked the wine a little too much. And it wasn't even imported.