That's not fair, it worked in the movies! - Back Blast & Other Hot Gases

Shooting Industry, June, 2003 by Commander Gilmore

A speed-loving moron in Jackson, Tenn., didn't have a real gun to start his career as a carjacker, so he used the technique of jamming his fist in a pocket and pointing his index finger. And it worked! He used the finger-pistol to gain himself a new Grand Am and led police and sheriff's deputies on a long, looping, high-speed tour of four counties before the gas-gauge needle started rapping the big E. Being a quick, if not a deep thinker, le decided to 'jack himself a new ride. And there was a good-looking victim just ahead!

Stopped alongside the road was a plain-looking, but well-maintained chunk of Detroit iron, with two guys just sitting there like peaches waiting to be picked. He screeched up in the Grand Am, bailed out, and hotfooted over to the car. With his finger-pistol pointed at them menacingly, he yelled for them to get out and give up the ride.

Surprise, surprise. What came out of the car were guns. big ones and, yes, they were real. Handling the arsenal were two plainclothes officers and they weren't happy. Ya see, they'd been just sitting in their unmarked car listening to the progress of the four-county chase on the radio. They planned to join the pursuit. What they didn't expect was curbside suspect-delivery service.

Where Did He Go Wrong?

You can hardly blame the guy -- I mean, he was on a roll. This 47-year-old newcomer to the world of crime stuck up a post office in Halmstad, Sweden. When he ordered everyone to freeze, they froze. He told them to put their hands up, and they did. So far, so good. Then he told a clerk to empty put all the cash in a bag. Done! Boy, this robbery stuff is easy!

As kind of an afterthought, he ordered bank officials to transfer 350 million crowns -- about $37.2 million U.S. -- from the government treasury into his bank account. That's where things hit a snag. The employees explained they would be happy to do that, but they would need his bank routing and account numbers. Oh, no, they didn't want names -- they understood that wouldn't do. I mean, robbers have to he anonymous, right?

Our Einstein thought it over for a minute, then laboriously wrote out the information. Don't tell the cops, okay? No problem, it's safe with us.

Ya. He vas klapped in zer handcuffs before the long Swedish twilight. Likely, he still can't figure out where he went wrong.

Santa, He Ain't

Everybody knows Santa is a "right jolly old elf." However, the guy who shoved a pistol into the pharmacist's face at Eckard's Drug Store on December 16 was anything but "jolly." In fact, the victim told the cops in Chester, Pa., this particular Santa was downright nasty and impatient.

Witnesses reported that the suspect was a white male of indeterminate years, portly, with a long white beard and white hair, wearing a red hat, jacket and trousers trimmed in white fur, and tall black boots. He stomped angrily into the store, pulled a pistol on the pharmacist and demanded all the Oxycontin, a powerful prescription painkiller. He wasn't interested in the cash or any other drugs. Maybe he had one of those jet-sleigh-lag headaches. When he fled, he didn't go up the chimney. That was probably the clincher for the Chester PD.

Concerned that Chester kids would be upset, Captain Mike Spraker said in a press release, "No reindeer or sleds were observed in the area. We immediately contacted the North Pole and verified Santa was there. This Santa was definitely an imposter."

Good move, captain.

Late Night Car Lot

In the midst of a series of vehicle break-ins at railroad commuter parking lots in the Chicago area, transit cops staked out several locations. One stakeout was staffed with an undercover van, a pair of binoculars, and semi-bored Officer Jesse Watts Jr. Prepared for a long and probably non-productive night hidden in the belly of the van, Jesse settled in--for at least a couple of minutes.

Shortly after a train left the station, two dudes showed up and immediately started wandering around peeping in vehicle windows and trying doors. That got Jesse's attention. Trouble was, they were too far away. Just then, the unlocked side sliding door of his stakeout van was yanked open.

It's hard to say who was more surprised, but our money's on Robinson Morales and his partner-in-attempted-crime Fiore Petrassi. They had about one microsecond to peep into the van when the doorway was filled with one large, loud, ticked-off, pistol-waving cop who practically bowled them.

Our heroes were given a courtesy ride downtown in one of Chicago's finest police vehicles. Wasn't that nice.

Genius Strikes, Again

Cops in Brockton, N.J., were sorta bluffing when they told 20-year-old Alex Pauleus that a home-invasion robbery victim had IDed him. They said the lady picked him out as the gunman among three scumbags who had crashed her Court Street apartment and robbed the occupants. But Alex was too smart for those dumb cops.

"How could she tell it was me?" he asked. "I had a mask on."

Then he sat back, smug. Then he thought about it for a minute. Then he didn't look so smug.