Hey, dude, really stupid tattoo!

Shooting Industry, June, 2007 by Commander Gilmore

If you're thinkin' about giving up the gun business and looking for another entrepreneurial opportunity, you might want to check into opening a tattoo-removal service. According to a Fox News report, demand is skyrocketing and tattoo-removal shops may become as common as tattoo parlors. Business commentators say that many formerly trendy "decorated people" are realizing just how ridiculous their illustrations are--and some of 'em are finding out their tattoos don't mean what they thought they did.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Of course, many customers are women with those crabgrass-growin'-outta-their-pants tattoos and others who are now embarrassed when their children ask "What does that mean, Mommy?" as they point to their mothers' legs--or butts.

Experts say that at the top of the popularity list are those fashionable Chinese-character tattoos. A very common one, which customers are told means something like "fearless ninja warrior," actually reads "another gullible white boy." Others are just bad translations, like one customer who wanted his tatt to say "blood and guts" and he wound up with something like "body fluids and intestines"--not really the same impact, you know?

Many times, it appears tattoo artists simply copied Chinese characters they thought looked cool and made up phony meanings for them. Hence, the number of guys walking around with "shirts laundered here" inked on their biceps.

There's always money to be made from human stupidity, folks--and the supply is limitless!

Zapped & Free

When a Clackamas County deputy sheriff and a state trooper arrived to check out a "wildlife problem" at a rural home near Canby, Ore., they were faced with what seemed to be a lose-lose dilemma. They found a huge, frantic deer with his antlers hopelessly tangled in a rope swing. The buck thrashed and kicked wildly every time they tried to approach, and the two officers knew this was no "Disney doe"--not exactly Bambi--but a big, strong and eminently dangerous deer armed with some of nature's best spear-points.

"They thought they were going to have to kill it out of compassion," said Sheriff's Lieutenant Jim Strovink. "It was going to die a slow, agonizing death." Then a little lightbulb popped on over Deputy Jeff Miller's head: "Hey," he thought, "How 'bout trying my Taser?"

One ZAP! and the buck slumped in the ropes like a sack of oats. The officers quickly freed the deer and laid him gently on the ground. A couple of minutes later, Deputy Miller reported, the buck woke up, looked around and then took off "happy as a clam."

Now, we know using the Taser on wild animals of the natural variety ain't in the company's training manual; they recommend only using their units on wild animals of the knuckle-draggin', bad-guy variety.

Fenced In. No Out.

File this one in your "Twisted Irony" folder. You've heard about the huge federal "border fence" project, where we're spending mega-helpings of Homeland Security bucks to cut down on illegal immigration from Mexico, right? One of the big contractors on that job is Golden State Fence Company of California.

They were just fined $5 million for employing illegal aliens on the project. Now they're gonna have a harder time putting up a fence to keep their own ex-employees from sneaking across the border to work on the fence to keep 'em out. Got that? Now consider that if Golden State does too good a job on the fence project, they won't have enough workers to do their other jobs. Or, they'll have to start offering Americans a living wage.

Aged Terminators

I just love it when old guys win--and don't a single one of you offer an opinion why, okay? Now laugh with me, here.

A dozen elderly American tourists chartered a small bus and tootled off to spend a quiet day on a sunny, secluded beach near Limon, Costa Rica. They didn't realize it was just secluded enough to encourage armed attacks on tourists. Three Costa Rican muggers spotted 'em and had their own moment of "realization failure." What they failed to realize is that some older Americans only got old because they're tough.

Our great-grand types barely got to splashin' in the knee-high surf when the trio of thugs, armed with two handguns and a knife, sauntered up and offered group rates on robberies, with no senior discounts. The Geezer Gang offered no resistance and played nice until the goons began making purely gratuitous threats of violence. Then, an unnamed 70-year-old Yankee described as "a retired member of the U.S. military" decided he wasn't playing anymore.

As the scumbags watched in horror, the geezer grabbed one thug, un-gunned him and then choked up on his neck like a cheap baseball bat. That was the signal for the other 11 seasoned citizens to commence beatin' the two surviving thugs like dusty old rugs.

Surviving? Did I mention that Thug Number One was experiencing terminal respiratory failure at this point? Yeah. His partners finally wriggled free and ran away, leaving their leader hangin' limply from our hero's arm like dirty laundry. The "laundry," 20-year-old Warner Segura, was later declared null and void due to asphyxiation. And, ummm, "Trachial Crushing Effect," if that's a proper medical term.