He's off in the ever-popular baggy pants shuffle!

Shooting Industry, July, 2004 by Commander Gilmore

Cops all over the country are applauding the current fashion trend in oversized, super-baggy, falling-off-the-butt pants. For one thing, it's pretty tough for a punk to fight with an officer when he's gotta hang onto his trousers to keep them from dropping down around his ankles.

Plus, the low-slung pants definitely reduce the speed of fleeing felons. As evidence, we enter Noah Donell Brown, 24, who ran into a problem after robbing a sandwich shop in Hendersonville, N.C. Once Noah exited the shop, he was off like, well, not exactly, lightning.

In a sorta foot race with police, Noah was losing ground every time he had to stop and pull up his pants. Not exactly a record-setting getaway technique. Then, our hero ran too close to a fence post. You guessed it. His baggy pants snagged on the post and dropped him like a bad fashion statement. You can just see the headline: Potential crime king thwarted by oversized pants.

Noah struggled to his feet and was trying to un-snag himself when America's Finest arrived to assist him, with a promise of better-fitting clothes thanks to the taxpayers of Hendersonville.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Get Robbed, Make Money!

Hey, if we could get every robber in the U.S. to leave $10 at the scene instead of taking money away, it would do wonders for the economy! Folks at the Iowa Savings Bank branch in Des Moines said a Clueless Crime King walked in and did the "set-up" for his robbery attempt by handing the teller a $20 bill and asking for two fives and 10 ones in change.

She was counting out the ones when he suddenly pulled out a plastic bag, popped it open and tersely demanded she give him all the money in the drawer. Since he didn't display a gun or even mention he had one, she just refused. He sorta shook his head, goggled at her like, "Whattaya mean, NO?" and repeated his demand. Again, she refused. They stared at each other for a minute, and then, said Officer Jason Halifax, "He left."

Mr. Crime King took his ones--but never got those two fives. He was out 10 bucks for his big bank heist. He was described as a medium-size male, 20s, dressed in black, with a blue stocking cap, a bad wig, a fake tattoo on his cheek, and we're guessing an IQ around that of a turnip.

Guaranteed Against Falls

If you're ordering that next inventory of gun safes, we know you're going to ask about resistance to attack by prying, burning and lock picking, but maybe you ought to ask if it will stay closed after a fall, too. Police in Santa Fe, N.M., recovered about $46,000 worth of jewelry lying around a popped-open safe at the bottom of a steep ravine.

The investigation showed the burglars had hauled the 180-pound safe out of a home and transported it down a lonely road, where they tried--and failed--to beat, pry and batter it open. Finally, they gave up, pushed the safe over the edge of the canyon and took off. The safe popped open like a cracker box when it hit bottom, but they never knew it. All the loot was recovered.

Stupid And Stupider

How do these idiots find each other? Kenneth Martin, 44, and Earle Sharpe III, 30, got pinched by the Providence, R.I. Police Department for kidnapping and assault, but officers there aren't taking any bows for the capture. It just wasn't that tough of an investigation.

Claiming their 24-year-old victim owed them money, the dynamic duo snatched him at gunpoint and hustled him off to an apartment. Once there, Martin pointed his pistol at the dude and was apparently going to shoot him. That's when Martin discovered the gun's magazine had fallen out.

Martin and Sharpe went outside, following the route they had taken in search for the magazine so they could return and shoot their unnamed hostage. Left alone, Mr. Captive simply called the police. Which just didn't seem fair, because just before leaving on their search mission, Martin and Sharpe gave their captive a "stern warning not to leave." You just can't trust people, these days.

Very Convincing Act

In Toledo, Ohio, an unnamed 30-year-old and 18-year-old Joseph Wilson cooked up a different sorta plot to rob the Gold Star Market. The 30-year-old played the part of an innocent customer and Joseph took on the role of the nervous, aggressive, trigger-happy gunman who threatens to kill a customer if the clerk doesn't open the register--fast.

Trouble was, Joseph was a little bit too nervous and trigger-happy. He accidentally shot and killed his "innocent" co-conspirator.

Not So Fast

Joshua Kochell was at least sorta semi-aware that the electronic monitor he was wearing as a condition of probation could somehow magically tell his parole officer when he left the house at the wrong time. He just didn't realize the full extent of its features.

So, he didn't think much about it when he sneaked out and robbed two gas stations in Lafayette, Ind. Shortly thereafter, however, he learned the little electro-box could also tell the authorities exactly where he had been, at what times.

Joshua is not wearing the device anymore. Where he's living now, "stepping out for the evening" ain't an option.