Here's mooing at you, kid!

Shooting Industry, August, 2004 by Commander Gilmore

It wasn't police dogs but milk cows that helped deputies in Maury County, Tenn., capture an armed and dangerous double-murder suspect. Yup, you read that right: moo-cows.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Parker Ray Elliott had given deputies the slip when he disappeared into an area of dense woods and scattered farms and it looked like he might just get away. State Parks employee Shane Petty was tracking Elliott with his bloodhound, Ellie May, but even Ellie's notable nose wasn't pickin' up much.

But when Shane and Ellie May busted out of some thick tangles into a pasture, Shane's attention was drawn to five cows standing by a barn. Something wasn't right. Given the commotion Shane and Ellie May created, the cows should have looked at them. Instead, they stood stock-still, staring at something in the woods a short distance away.

"I knew those cows should have been looking at me," he said, and Shane figured he knew exactly what they were goggling at. He called in the surrounding troops and, while the cows kept chewing and staring, Elliott was captured.

Score one for the second string--or maybe you'd call it, the Udder Team. Shane claimed his degree in agriculture helped him "read" the cows' behavior but added, "And I'm an old farm boy."

Poor Price Point

This one ranks right up there with the Band of Buffoons who once looted a meat-packing place in California, thinking they were stealing a semi-trailer load of prime beef and wound up with 4,000 pounds of "cow rennets." You'll have to look that one up, guys. I don't know how to say this delicately. Just know it's a part of a cow you don't want on your barbecue grill.

Anyway, this caper went down at a warehouse near Johannesburg, South Africa. Six armed idiots busted in, tied up and blindfolded security guards and employees and made off with 21 hefty pallet-loads of goods. Problem was, the gunmen apparently didn't know how to read the language on the crate labels and couldn't sort the high-value items from--are you ready?--$14,000 worth of chewing gum.

Gee, we gotta wonder, how many bigtime fences specialize in Chappies Chewing Gum? Just think, these dudes worked through the night for less than minimum wage.

Outta Date. Outta Luck.

In today's high-tech world, you gotta keep up with changes, something Gordon Bryant failed to do. The poor guy has lots of experience in his field--bank robbery--but apparently he kinda fell behind the techno-curve during his last stay in the federal pen. He didn't know that some banks, like the Farmer's State Bank of Versailles, Ill., had adopted electronic screening of incoming customers in order to cut down on robberies.

If you want to do business at Farmer's, you've gotta pass inspection. The door is electronically locked and monitored by both surveillance cameras and employees. So, when Gordon moseyed up wearing a stocking mask over his face and a pistol in hand, the employees simply didn't buzz him in.

For a moment, there was kind of a "wolfie huffin' and puffin' at the piggies' door" act going on, then Gordon got the message and fled. Well, fled may not be the right word. Shuffled, would be better. You see, Gordon is 70 years old.

"You would hope he would have learned by now," said Sheriff Jerry Kempf. "When you're going into a bank, you usually don't wear those (stocking masks) in there. It's not Halloween."

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