Why, yes, it does have a strong natural essence

Shooting Industry, Sept, 2005 by Commander Gilmore

Even headlights won't help when that little light over your head is a 20-watt bulb. Clocked on radar at over 90 mph, Jason Rodd led police on a merry midnight chase around St. Johnsbury, Vt., until he had a bright thought. Well, it really was kinda dim, but we're being kind here.

Jason quickly swerved off the highway into a dairy farmer's field and turned off his car's lights, floored the accelerator and tried to escape cross-country under cover of darkness. The trouble was, the darkness that hid him from pursuing officers also sorta nixed his navigational skills. Jason should have zigged instead of zagging. He promptly drove into a huge, open manure pit. That will ruin a good paint job, for sure.

Jason finally struggled out of the pit, dripping with, well, drippings. Stumbling away, he didn't get too far before police found him, looking and smelling like a giant cow pattie. His car may never be recovered and if it is, we think what got into it could never be completely gotten out of it.

As far as Jason, his fellow prisoners, well, he doesn't really have any "fellow" prisoners. It's more like "distance" fellow prisoners. Word is they give him plenty of space.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

One With The Roof

Nobody saw the black-clad ninja warrior crawling through the mud over marshy ground in the pitch-dark night. Not a soul detected the shadowy figure as he sealed the wall like a wraith, creeping soundlessly over the roof. Then, the roof collapsed. Unfortunately, for Jonathan P. Mitchell, wanna-be-ninja burglar, nobody heard him calling for help, either, until well after dawn.

Police were called to the store in a KOA campground near Watsonville, Calif., to rescue and arrest Mitchell, who was stuck and dangling from the ceiling rafters. During the extrication process, the manager admitted to police that he had forgotten to lock up the night before. Mitchell could have simply turned the doorknob and let himself-in.

Is It Tea Time?

Constables in Humberside, England, got a tip that a prison escapee was living in their town. They checked it out and sure enough, AWOL inmate Lee Barnes, 28, was indeed living in Humberside. In his house. You know, his long-time family home, where he had lived before going off to learn the license-plate stamping trade or whatever he was doing in the joint.

Barnes had in fact been living there openly for about a year and a half. Officers hadn't looked for him there because the prison had never reported him missing. We think the English justice system has more problems than just their goofy gun laws.

467 Smelly Lane

Has the neighborhood gone down since you opened your shop? Have you dreamed about a better location? Snowdrifts of plastic shopping bags and discarded fast-food trash got you down? We guarantee there are worse places to be.

Health officials in St. Croix Falls, Wis., closed down and condemned a house that over many years had become a huge stinking litter-box, housing up to 450 untended cats at a time. Higher-ups wondered why the neighbors hadn't reported the terrible odor of the place--and to their horror, they learned why.

It seems the putrid smell of the Big Litter-Box was nothing compared to the stench of a nearby fish hatchery, and that odor was dwarfed by the malevolent stink of the local sewage treatment plant. The entire neighborhood was an "olfactory-rich environment." We're sure you could get a good deal on some commercial property.

Doggie Wa Wa

According to the Wall Street Journal, one of the fastest-growing new high profit enter-prises is the marketing of bottled "designer water." Oh, no, not for people--for rich folks' dogs. And yes, the price per bottle is about the same as for people-type frog-water.

The "concern" on the part of trendy, well-heeled pooch-owners is supposed to be health. They feel tap water just isn't meeting their pets' nutritional needs. Some claim, too, that their dogs are so well bred they refuse to drink common water. Asked off the record, veterinarians were puzzled by these claims, and conclude the "need" is in the dog-owners' image-conscious imaginations. Some pointed out that dogs seem to prefer the cool refreshment offered by the water in a clean toilet bowl--and it doesn't have to be filled from a small expensive bottle with a fancy label.

Hearing Poor. Thumpin' Great!

Katherine Woodworth, 91, is a little on the deaf side and wasn't wearing her hearing aids, so she thought at first that the sorta rough-looking young man said he wanted to "take her pulse." Then he said it again, louder and reached out for her.

That's when she realized he was saying he was going to "take her purse!" Poor guy. He didn't know that for nine decades, Katherine had lived by the code, "You want it, pal, you gotta fight for it!" The brawl was on! "No, you're not!" she yelled, and started clobbering Mr. ToughGuy with her handbag.

He did get a piece of her purse, at least--about two dozen times, hard, upside the noggin, before he tore himself away from her grasp and ran away. Toledo, Ohio, police trailed Mr. ToughGuy from the department store parking lot--the scene of his whuppin'--and arrested the 20-year-old, thoroughly humbled suspect.